Tuesday, July 22, 2008

How To Win An Argument On the Internet

Chances are if you have used the internet long enough you have probably seen an internet message board. Message boards are terrible places where people argue like bitter enemies, or lavish undue adulation on topics whose only defining traits are their mediocrity. Most of the time some topic you see on one of these boards will tick you off, and you will want to prove that whatever idiot wrote that topic is wrong. This is a guide to doing just that. Just follow these three easy steps:

1. Get Offended: This is an awesome technique considering the fact that the internet acts as a sort of collective unconsciousness for the general population, and one of the key signals of this fact is that people curse like sailors and say the most horribly offensive things. If you see that you are losing an argument, find something that your opponent said that was offensive, and proclaim how offensive you found it. Now you have changed the argument from a discussion on whether or not Naruto and Sasuke are secretly gay for each other into whether or not MilfHunter69 is a racist/homophobe/nazi. Nobody wants to be called a racist/homophobe/nazi, so chances are other people will join in and help you berate your opponent, in an effort to blend in. Now whatever MilfHunter69 says will be treated like the rantings of a bigot, and you will look like a hero for standing up for the "little guy".

2. Call the Other person a child: You can classify the userbase of the internet into two broad categories: People who aren't children vs. People who are. People who are not children are usually classified by their ability to put together cogent thoughts, and their hatred of people who are children. While people who are children are classified by their need to act like they aren't a child. To put it in simpler terms if you call your opponent a child you instantly turn the entire internet population against them. However, you must be careful, because calling someone else a child is like a wild west duel, and they will surely retaliate by calling you a child back. In order to win the argument about who is the child you must present compelling evidence! Luckily for you, I have categorized the two biggest indicators of whether or not your opponent is a child
  1. They are Homophobic
  2. They can't properly use apostrophes
If you catch your opponent doing either of those two things, you have just won the argument!

3. Say your cousin/brother/family member is an insider on whatever topic is being discussed, and they told you this... This is a classic technique, and will work alot of the time, and the beauty of it is that nobody can really disprove what you said without concrete evidence. The beauty of the internet is the anonymity, and your opponent probably doesn't know shit about your personal life, use this to your advantage.

Now there will be times when even these fool proof methods will fail, and you will have to retreat when you loose an argument. When retreating remember one thing: honor, and shame do not exist on the internet, and take advantage of that fact, using either one of the following steps.

1. Say that you have indisputable proof to back up your point, and link to an outside source confirming your belief. Only instead of actually linking to a legitimate source, link to something like a video of 2 girls 1 cup. This is known as the Nuclear Option, because if you do this, chances are a message board moderator will come and erase all traces of your argument. Naturally moderators don't want that crap on their board, and they don't want to read your pathetic argument so they will just "play it safe" and get rid of the entire topic. Sometimes this doesn't work, but if it does you can turn a loss into a stalemate.

2. Say your cousin/sibling/cat got on your computer and in an effort to mess with you they were the ones who started, or lost (depending on the situation) the argument. This allows you to maybe keep some respect if your opponents are gullible, and also gives you a good reason to stop arguing without looking like an idiot (you'll look like an idiot if your opponent calls your bullshit, but lets think positive for now).

There you have it Rabbit-Man's guide to winning an argument on the internet. Go out there and make me proud!


Anonymous said...

how about 5. hacking?
and 6. send virus to the opponent
and 7. start off acting like you don't really speak English well, and if something you say is criticized, then you can say "I mistranslated what i meant to say"

Rabbit-man said...

Ok first off where is tip #4 I finished with 3 tips.

On the secondly (it's a new phrase I'm testing out) 6 and 7 should be grouped in with the ways to back out of an argument. Renumber them 3 and 4.