Friday, January 16, 2009

Rabbit-man Returns, Forever... And Robin!!!

I totally set that picture of the venture brothers as my desktop wallpaper for a long time a few years ago. Kudos to whoever put that up.

Also since I guess I should write a post: To accompany that comment, and maybe multiply the nerdiness of this post I present:

A report by Rabbit-man:

I think the main problem with the third Matrix movie can be tied down to the mistakes made with the character of Agent Smith. Keanu Reeves is told that Smith is the anti-christ, and either Smith or Keanu will decide the fate of the world. Naturally this revelation should hold some tension, except for the fact that Keanu Reeves beat the crap out of Agent Smith multiple times, once at the end of the first movie, and twice in the second movie. Hell Reeves beat the shit out of at least one hundred Agent Smiths with a freaking tether ball poll. Obviously Keanu is going to win right? Naturally any viewer will think this when the aforementioned revelation is told, so it is the job of the movie makers to prove Smith is a threat. Except this is never really done in the film. Sure Smith somehow managed to get a human body off camera, and was supposed to pose a threat to Keanu in the real world. However when Smith finally had a chance to kill Keanu (he was pointing a gun at Keanu's head) he gave a fucking Johnny Quest speech explaining a bunch of useless crap, and gave Keanu enough time to kick the gun away and beat the shit out of him. Naturally nobody thinks Smith is a threat by this point, but somehow for some unexplained reason he is bothering the machines or something. Thus the entire film rests on Keanu telling the machines that he will beat the crap out of Agent Smith again if they leave the humans alone. This is all well and good, but it's never explained why Agent Smith is a problem for the machines. As far as the viewer knows Smith is only a program that exists in the Matrix, but the guy who looks like Colonel Sanders said at the end of the second movie that he was going to kill all humans and destroy the matrix in 24 hours or something. So since the machines are going to destroy the matrix they will destroy Smith right? Where is the problem? Why do the Machines need Keanu's help? (Sure there are tons of plot holes in the Matrix movies, but that one is the most obvious right?)

A supplementary problem to this movie is that the Wachowski Brothers forgot to include scenes from the Matrix in the film. Instead an awful lot of time is wasted depicting the humans defending Zion in the "real world" from the machines. These scenes were basically written by the CGI programmers, and were boring as hell, since they were just a bunch of shots of the humans shooting millions of bullets at millions of machines, with no real indication of progress being made for either side. Also, nobody freaking cares about Zion. NOBODY. People want to watch a Matrix film to see cool shit like the free way chase scene from the second movie, and guess what all the cool shit takes place in the Matrix. Therefore the Matrix films should be largely set in the Matrix right? I wanted to see everyone fight the albino twins in a rematch, or how about showing Keanu confront Col. Sanders again. Instead we get a lame ass fight pitting Trinity, Fake Jet Li and Morpheus, against a bunch of loosers who can walk on the ceiling. WHAT?! Sure the ending fight was also in the Matrix, but that was basically Superman fighting a clone of himself (Bizarro?!?). Not exactly what people want to see in a Matrix movie.
Also here are some bullet points I didn't get to
1. What the fuck did Neo do to help mankind?
2. What was the point of Will Smith's wife setting off the EMP? How is she not an idiot for doing that?
3. Killing Trinity a second time... Bad Idea?!
4. Needs more debating over what the concept of "choice" is before fight scenes and or a guy who cuts the bullshit philosophy talk by saying "IMMA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE NOW!"
5. Train guy was awesome. The only guy in the Matrix who didn't have a business suit/leather fetish. Should have fought Neo more or something.

So there you go. I wrote an article so I could comment on the Venture Bros. Picture that adorns this blog now. Hooray.