The Only News You Need to Know

Ok I think I understand how blogs work now, they are really just supposed to be a bunch of random links with maybe some musings on them. So until one of the other writers for this blog posts something, I may keep up this crap. That's a threat and a promise yo!

First off, apparently the Chinese have invented a net-cannon to capture renegade protesters! Yes a net cannon, a Scooby-Doo-level net cannon! Who would have thought that China would be the first to not only invent a working net cannon, but actually find use for one? Apparently the police force using these net-cannons will be riding around on Segways like Gob from Arrested Development! The comedic potential is endless! Hopefully somebody will piss off the police in front of a camera at the olympics so we can see this net-cannon in action!
Shenanigans will surely ensue, this summer at the Olympics, on NBC!!!!!

Apparently some of you did not heed my advice, and Mamma Mia made 27 million dollars this weekend!!! Yep that's right dollars not pesos, not rubles, not any other fake currency, cold hard American Dollars... DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN RECALL MY THREAT?!?! That's right I said I would hunt you down and cut you if you watched Mamma Mia, AND YOU GO OUT AND WATCH IT ANYWAY?!? What the hell America? WHAT! THE!! HELL!!!

On a side note, apparently even more of you watched the Dark Knight, so good for you! Maybe I'll put away my cutting knife, since you did listen to at least half of what I said.

And Finally the new Watchmen Trailer premiered this weekend, leading everyone to ask "Will Dr. Manhattan be naked like he was in the comics?" I mean that dude did not know the meaning of shame he was just running around practically the entire time without any pants on, like so much anatomically correct Bugs Bunny.

Oh and on the watchmen subject... Tales of the Black Freighter (Which was in the watchmen comic as a story within a story, similar to Hamlet's The Murder of Gonzago), about the guy who had to make a boat out of dead bodies in order to sail back home after being stranded on an island, will be made into an animated movie to premiere alongside the theatrical release of Watchmen. Did this really need to happen, because when I read the watchmen comic I just skipped over that part, it was totally gross!!

Oh and then there is this headline, it's really old, but what the hell? Apparently some doctors are worried that kids will identify with a villain that smokes in the Incredible Hulk movie. What about Cruella De Ville from 101 Dalmations? She smoked, and my generation seems to have survived relatively unscathed. I may not be a doctor or a psychologist, but I'm smart enough to realize that kids who identify with, and mimic the actions of the villains in dumb action movies like the Incredible Hulk, probably weren't going to find the cure for cancer anyways. So let 'em smoke. We will all be better off. Trust me.

Crap now I sound like Hitler.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, and Other Important News

Now if you are a regular reader of the good parts of this column, namely all the contributions from people other than me, you are probably still buzzing over the big news stories of the past week, and there is a chance that you missed out on a very important story while you were busy discussing the threat to Barack Obama's testicles, or the inactivity of John Mccain's testicles. This news story that I speak of will probably already be a well worn topic of discussion to those types who read the life section of the newspaper first. Naturally I don't fall into that category, since I read the sports section of the paper with my morning breakfast of razor blades, sulfuric acid, and napalm, but after I finish my exercise regimine of wrestling with a bunch of bears that I set on fire in my backyard, I do enjoy perusing the life section of my paper for the latest celebrity gossip, and home decorating tips. I should probably cut the suspense since the title of this blog already gives away the topic of this writing, and say that "You all should probably watch Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog". In fact I recommend that you watch other things on the internet too, but first let me sell you on the idea of donating 14 minutes to the good Doctor.

Firstly Doctor Horrible is unlike any internet show you have ever seen!!! It has relatively well known actors, like Neil Patrick Harris (of Doogie Houser, and Harold and Kumar fame), and Nathan Fillion (I only really remember him in Firefly/Serenity, but he was awesome in that show/movie), and Joss Whedon is involved in some way, I don't know how exactly, but I'm going to assume he created it, wrote it, and hopefully directed it. However, the key selling point of this production is that "It's a musical with Supervillains". Now I bet you all are excited now, huh, and you should be, while the show does have a pretty cliched framing story, it makes up for it with good jokes, and catchy musical numbers, and cliches can be forgiven if they are as well executed as they are in this production. Overall I give this 37 Rabbit-man points which translates to 340 Element of Surprise points.

----UPDATE----

Well I just saw the ending of Dr. Horrible and you can take away all the stuff I said about cliches and forget about it. Man I was expecting an ending similar to the way every Jennifer Lopez movie seems to end (not that I have ever willing watched a Jennifer Lopez movie), but shit they pulled a fast one on me with that one. Good stuff all around, and there's just a hint of ambiguity to leave you guessing, and fuel debates on message boards. This whole thing seemed like one great big setup for something else, an origin story if you will, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was more of this to come (Especially since Dr. Horrible has kind of become a media darling). Not to say that there needs to be more. Oh well you people have like a day left to watch this for free on the internet so get to it. I did have one gripe, spoiler alert highlight to read, if you think you can handle it punk. Why did they show bad horse? it worked better when his appearance was a mystery.. Jeez. End Update

Now if you liked Dr. Horrible then I'm sure you'll love Time Warped a musical romp through time that represents some of the earlier work of Trey (South Park) Parker (Click here for part one, Click here for part two). It's kind of obvious from the South Park movie that this man has a gift for entertaining musicals, and the first episode of Time Warped helps to solidify his place as a pretty decent musical writer. Without spoiling too much I will say that Time Warped probably presents the best version of the Moses escapes from Egypt story that I have seen. Unfortunately the show was drastically changed in its second episode, and it really sucked. So don't watch the second episode, it starts around the middle of part two of the link up there FYI LOL BYOB.

While those are two examples of good musicals I would like to take the time to address musicals that aren't good, namely musicals that don't have original songs, but force their stars to lip sync to well known pop songs. Everybody knows these things are bad, hell Viva Laughlin was canceled after one episode, but somehow Hollywood keeps shoveling this crap in our collective plate. I can see why executives would place Mama Mia, the latest example of this genre, opposite the Dark Knight this weekend at the movie theaters, they are obviously hoping for a repeat of the Devil Wears Prada (Which was released opposite Superman Returns, and stole business from that movie), but why was this movie ever greenlit? I vow to never ever learn more about this movie than I learned from staring at Mamma Mia's poster for about 15 minutes, and watching one trailer for the movie before Wanted, but it seems to me that the whole conflict of Mia is moot (for those of you not in the know the plot goes like this: some girl is about to get married, and she finds out that her mom was a huge whore, along the level of cartman's mom, and she doesn't know who her father is. Apparently this is a problem because she wants her dad to give her away at her wedding, even though the fact that she doesn't know who her dad is means that he probably doesn't care enough about her to want to be involved in her life anyway. Somehow the field of candidates for her father is narrowed down to three, and the fact that she could get a paternity test is either dismissed or not brought up at all, so the girl has to figure out who her dad is by singing ABBA songs.) since it is easy to tell who fathered a child, Jerry Springer does it all the time. Oh well I guess the moral to the story is to watch the Dark Knight this weekend, and if you watch Mamma Mia instead I will come to your house and cut you.

C is for Cookie, D is for Damnation, E is for Extinction

So for those of you who haven't obsessively kept up with all the developments from the Euphoric Eradication Exposition, or E3 I have some quick news.

1. Final Fantasy is no longer a PS3 exclusive

and

2. Apparently nintendo has introduced some kind of crap to make the wiimote work better

1. After reading this I find myself incredibly pissed off. This Final Fantasy XIII coming to the xbox 360 deal is a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. Now I have to say I really have nothing against the 360 hell I bought the 360 version of GTA 4, and I am eagerly awaiting the sequel for the virtual orgasmic alien rape simulator Mass Effect, because no amount of gratuitous banging-everything-that-moves gameplay is enough for me, but I can't help but be extremely annoyed by this whole prospect. Personally I'm surprised nobody else is mentioning this, but for the past two years or however long FFXIII has been in development we have been told that it will be a freaking PS3 exclusive, but today we are told it will come out for XBOX 360 also. This is a huge slap in the face to PS3 owners, I'm going to think that this whole multiplatform thing was on Square Enix's mind for a long time, so why didn't they just say from the beginning that FFXIII would be for the PS3 and 360? I would have had no problem with that. In fact that announcement probably would have created just as big of a media splash, as the current one did, but the fans wouldn't feel as betrayed. It just feels like we've been lied to for about a year or so by all the bastards who said FFXIII would be PS3 exclusive. They could have handled this better, why not for example release XIII a few months early on the PS3 like Unreal Tournament III, or like how Bioshock and the Orange Box were released on the 360 and then ported to the PS3. At least give the PS3 owners some gloating time... Oh well... MGS4 is probably going to the 360 next (at least PS3 owners got alot of time with that game before they loose it's exclusivity.)

AH but who gives a crap about final fantasy? The last one freaking sucked. I mean you could automate Final Fantasy XII so that it plays itself and all you have to do is watch it.. for like 30 hours. Seriously this was built into the game, somebody intentionally made the game like that. Mind boggling right?


2. Now for this Wii remote nonsense. NINTENDO WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! You have the balls to say that you are going to sell some shit to the customer to make your machine work like how it's intended. I hope to god that this will be some sort of free for all customers thing or something like that 'cause if it isn't I will shake my fist violently in your direction!! YOU HEAR ME NINTENDO?! I'M TYPING IN CAPS, THAT MEANS I'M ANGRY!!!! Bah maybe I'm just cranky because I didn't get much sleep thanks to the god damned raccoons that are living in my roof, or the freaking meth addict who lives in the appartment above me. I mean that guy just paces around all night till like 4 in the morning, and he freaking walks so god damned hard that he literally shakes the light fixtures in my ceiling. This ass-clown walks like a freaking four hundred pound bearded lady sitting in some sideshow who has to be wheeled around on a metal slab coated in grease, because if she took a step she would destroy the ground surrounding her. Gad every day this jackass is just walking around up there, he doesn't sit he's just pacing around like some ADD addled child who's all hopped up on nickel nips and pixie sticks. And then I have to think about all the freaking raccoons that are shitting and peeing in the god damned crawl space between our apartments. AND NOOO you can't get anyone to get rid of them because the maintenance dudes are all a bunch of morons who will just come into the house and randomly saw off parts of the ceiling so they can stick in a cage filled with sardines, that is only 50% effective at catching the god-damned raccoons. I got a better idea, just murder one raccoon and smear its blood all over the entrance way to the crawl space, that should settle the whole raccons in the attic thing... or maybe spray wolf urine up there... I hear that works also..

Oh well maybe this article will cheer me up.
Nah it didn't... :(

Kudos to Rabbit man

I would just like to take a moment and give my congratulations to Rabbit-man for hosting probably one of the longest discussions on blogger. He attracts children with no lives like the pied piper of Hamelin attracts rats. For his vigor in undermining propaganda and defending human dignity, I award Rabbit-man the title Honorary Master-Lecturer and Critic of International Journalism. Your writing is much welcomed and valued. Continue the good work.

Let's all give a round of applause.

Update: Nearly July

Hello all, Evita here. Just wanted to note that:

1. Senor Allende is the only one who has written anything for a while.

2. I will be writing something soon. If you have suggestions on a topic, please do send them along.

3. Have a great summer

That is all.

Why we must not dislike the People’s Republic of China, BUT HATE, DESPISE, AND ABHOR THE BASTARDS

Whatever acclaims China received for its contribution to civilization millenniums ago has been completely obliterated by its barbarous acts today. In showing sympathy to the victims of the earthquake, one must not forget that we should be crossing our fingers for the imminent collapse of the People’s Republic.

It stands as a lasting pain in my side to see Beijing go unpunished after what they had done to one of the greatest acts of civil disobedience, paralleling Gandhi’s salt march and the student movements of 1968. Tiananmen Square must be forever remembered when we watch the gleeful bastards of the Chinese communist party welcoming the Olympic torch to Beijing. Hiding behind their façade of economic development is the odious reality of worker’s abuse (even those in the state sector), largest detainment of political prisoners in the world, greatest number of executions in the world, inhumane and repressive measures upon the rural peasantry, forced abortions, etc etc etc. The Chinese government has shown a complete disregard for human life and dignity.

While certain repressions in the name of economic development in the past saw productive growth in both economic and civil liberties (like in post-1973 Chile where it was economically stable and the people voted in a referendum to remove Pinochet) China despite having incredible economic growth saw an even more incredible and highly disturbing descent of civil liberties.

The Chinese government is reprehensible and the athletes competing in the Beijing Olympics must recognize that their representation bolsters the legitimacy of human rights violators. Athletes must take responsibility for their symbolic role in the global community and show support for justice grounded in the preservation of life not the absurdity practiced by the Chinese government.

However, it is not enough to decapitate the government, its people must act in accordance to what they started in the Tiananmen Square. While the events at Tiananmen Square continues to inspire else where around the world, the Chinese themselves are forgetting their place in the humane world. The toy recall scandal and unsanitary food packaging methods are obviously the tip of the iceberg and this constant desire to cheat the world is driving our patience thin. A nation of people who do not practice its own philosophy of compassion and human care does not deserve to be recognized as equals. I am especially pissed at the Chinese students in Seoul who attacked an elderly Korean man for speaking his mind in support of freedom and justice. Those ungrateful reactionary idiots that piss on the legacy of Tiananmen Square should be ashamed. SHAME, POPPY SHAME, YOU FOOLS THAT WAVE YOUR CHINESE FLAGS AND ACT LIKE CLOWN FOR THE PEOPLE THAT WANT TO TURN YOU INTO SUBMISSIVE PEONS!!!

Regardless, the first step is to cut off the head of the beast and put in on display. The best part is that the United States or any major power in the world does not have to obliterate the farce of the armed force that is the People’s Liberation Army, but watch the country disintegrate from within. I applaud the incompetence that will hinder the preparation of the Olympic infrastructure, the Free Tibet supporters throughout the world, Xinjiang insurgents that are doing their best to derail the whole process, and the rural Chinese peasants who are tired of dealing with all the shit and are surging against the Chinese government.

I encourage the Olympic athletes not to refuse the competition, but rather follow in the footsteps of Tommie Smith and John Carlos from the 1968 Olympics who raised their fists and saluted the world as dignified people acting with a conscience. Support Tibetans in their struggle to rid themselves of their oppressors, for the summer of 2008 is a stage for athletes who have the opportunity to inspire the world with not only their physical stamina, but their courage and conscience. China is undoubtedly, blatantly using the Olympics as a political tool and must be beaten. I will cheer on the athletes of the world who will crush their Chinese competitors and humiliate the communist party. The stage is almost set, let us enjoy the beginning of the end of the People’s Republic of China!

Rabbit-man's guide to reviewing

Hello kids it’s me your uncle rabbit-man, and I’m here to lecture you all on the process of writing a review! I know you all are disappointed that I have abandoned my classic blog post structure of a paragraph justifying an insane rant, followed by an insane rant, but just like an insane homeless man without a recent acid trip to describe, I can’t think of a rant today. So instead I am going to discuss the process of writing a review. I promise it will hurt less than being eaten to death by a herd of ravenous puppies.

Alright if you are going to write a review you must make an important choice before you even put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, or piss to snow, whatever the analogy is these days, and that choice is whether you will write a review with a numeric score, or grade at the end or not. Now both of these methods have their advantages and disadvantages, for example writing a review with a grade will allow you to simply rant about whatever you want as long as it is tangentially related to the subject matter, and you can just put a grade at the end to tell the reader what you meant. This also has a drawback, because most readers are either smart, busy, or illiterate, and will simply skip to your score and ignore the rest of your review. The flipside of this choice is writing a review without attaching a score, when writing one of these you must be careful to make sure that you convey a judgment on the subject that you are reviewing since you don’t have the luxury of just writing a score. Naturally not including a score will force those lazy bastards who read your reviews to actually read your review.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way let’s get to the next most important part of writing a review, coming up with an opening line. In today’s society of fast food, 24 hour news, and instantaneous access to internet porn, people do not have the attention span to read a long review about any subject, and the first line is probably the only thing that many readers will read in your review. In other words take care to write this it will literally make or break your review. Fortunately writing a first line is easy: just make a vague and generic observation about the subject “The conflict of profiting off of war, is explored through the lens of a superhero origin story in the summer’s first true blockbuster Iron Man.” Feel free to describe the plot of what you are reviewing, if there is one, but just make sure that whatever you are saying is vague. The first line has to be vague because you want to confuse the reader into reading more of your writing. Another method of doing this could be to use a question. Normally “who would have thought…” works pretty well, like “Who would have thought that an asshole could be so entertaining to watch?” and then write your review.

Now you get to the meat and potatoes of your review the part where you judge something. Now let me tell you judging stuff is fun, there’s no better way to make yourself feel good than putting something down. Next time you find out that your pet fluffly died make fun of some little kid’s drawing, or next time you find out that your track time doesn’t qualify you for the special Olympics, make fun of a little kid’s sandcastle. Don’t you feel better? It’s pretty much the same thing with reviewing. Think, if you get that much joy out of making fun of a small child how much more joy will you get when you make fun of a $100 million dollar movie? Now I know what you are thinking “Rabbit-man reviews aren’t always negative, critics do write a lot of positive reviews.” Which brings me to my next point: If you are going to write a positive review, write it so that you get your name on the movie poster or DVD cover. Just put in a bunch of sentences that end in exclamation points like “Iron man is a laugh a minute thrill ride of intense pleasure!!!” or “I count two moments in my life as my happiest my marriage, and the birth of my son, and the two hours I spent watching Iron man has surpassed both of them!!” or the classic “Iron man is better than sex!!!” See it’s easy, and if the movie is particularly bad like Uwe Boll’s In the name of a king a dungeon siege tale, then you can write a glowing review and know that your quote will make it on the DVD for sure, seriously there was only like one good review for that movie.

So I have now taught you dear reader everything that I know about reviewing. Be sure to use your powers for good, and never stray from the righteous path I have outlined for you. Oh and I actually wrote this article so I could review Iron man but I got a little bit side tracked. Yeah it was a good movie, but the ending fight kind of sucked, the movie would have been better if it just focused on Tony Stark, and not Iron man. I give it 11331 points.

Behold. It's a hollow, hollow world

Hello, good evening, good morning, depending on whatever place you are reading from, which I can't really give a damn about. I haven't written a post for some time now so my writing is rusty. This certainly will not be your best reading experience, but then again, what internet literature has? You'll probably feel slight discomfort, an itch in the lower rectal region, and in some cases, severe onset of boredom. If symptoms persist, then stop reading you dumbass.

Consider this scenario: After a failed pathetic concert of yours, you walk out the back stage with your head hanging low, more lifeless than a flaccid manhose at a beach full of really wrinkled nuns, and you are greeted by your family and friends outside."That was great performance!""Good job""Nice""Don't worry, you did well"These are often the words you hear followed by a hug of comfort. But you immediately notice that their faces have no heart and the words carry no authenticity. You stand there, gritting your teeth, feeling the lifeless arms wrap around, and secretly swearing inside that you will hideously butcher these people someday for the heart-piercing lies. LIES! LIES!!! Words of deceit and hypocrisy. And even if you didn't notice then, you figure out later and try to reconcile with the repressed blinding rage by repeated fist motion directed against the wall. This sound like a familiar situation to you? Yes? Then skip the next column.

What? No? Then you're either A) a social recluse who never interacted with the outside world, B) A 1 yr old baby or C) a complete idiot because everybody has had these hollow praises sometime in their lifetime.

That's right, the world is full of these hollow empty gestures. Cashiers saying "have a nice day" at 11:59 PM, someone you barely know saying "how you been?", and waiters coming up to ask "Is everything all right?". One of the notorious and horrible breeding ground for these kind of people exists in this world, by the name of Facebook. Its pokes and superpokes and mindless "wHatz up? Lol :D" are widely tolerated in its realm, even though people just do it to get attention for themselves. (If I were to go fully into detail about Facepig, the article length would triple so I'll write about it someday later. I guess. Anway...)No, these people couldn't care less about what you have been up to or how your life is accomodated. You think I'm lying? Then try this for a change. Say something that they wouldn't expect. Instead of "Have a nice day" "You too", say "You dont' mean that". Instead of "How you been?" "Good", say "Bad." Instead of "Is everything all right?" "Yes", say "No". Most likely their facial fiture will vomit a look of disgust because they realized that they are left with two choices of either revealing their apathy and walk off, or grin like lobotomized pet dog, and listen to something they sincerely don't care about.

Damn this planet lacking genuine gestures, with its insincere inhabitants with empty etiquette. Where did the heart go? Is this why nobody cared when Kitty died? And it's generally accepted under the rug by the society too, which makes things so bad. If hidden hollowness is accepted, then I claim that obvioussincerety should be used as countermeasure.

"That was a great show!""Thanks for lying straight into my face! I'll take note of that when I get my guns tomorrow"

"Have a nice day!""Not anymore since you just lied!"

"How you been?""You're just saying that so you'll feel morally self satisfied!"

At this point now you might probably be thinking, "well gee-whiz. This here fella sure is dumb cause everybody knows this". Unfortunately, some people don't. "So yer writing this to the world?" No, it's not like many people read this blog anyway. "What? Then heck, why?" I'm just venting my rage dammit. Leave me alone. Great, now I feel worse because of you stupid reader and your stupid questions. I'm gonna sleep.