The Best he is at what he does, and what he does is... so terribly pretty!!

Let me walk you through the last few minutes of your life. First you set your computer to internet, after a few minutes of checking your favorite sites you somehow came across this blog, a blog that has been a barren wasteland for the past year. Just as you are about to leave you notice something. Here are your exact thoughts: “What is this? A new post on the fifth column/element of surprise blog! Is it Christmas already? No wait Christmas alone can’t be special enough for something like this, maybe it’s my birthday too! Awesome I get presents now!!!”
Well let me tell you something: it ain’t Christmas, and it certainly isn’t your birthday. (Unless if it is Christmas, and your birthday, but there’s like a 1 in 48,000,000 chance of that happening, so the odds are in my favor puny humans. MOO HOO HA HA!!!) Point is neither you nor Jesus was born today, and instead today is special, because I am bringing the fifth column back into style (just like I did with laser tag). To begin the festivities I am going to write about X-men comics, specifically Grant Morrison’s recent take on the x-men. Surely you’ve seen me allude to it before, I think I titled one of my blogs with the name of a story-arc from his new x-men run, and I’ve been dying to encapsulate my thoughts on what he did over the 50 issues of new x-men that he wrote. But I ain’t going to review fifty comics in one post, that would be insane… “right?”
“Yes Rabbit-man that would be insane”
“Thanks Rabbit-man that would be very insane of me to do!”
“Yeah I know I already said that stop repeating yourself”
“Good show you always were quick to catch on to the metatextual jokes weren’t you”
“Yes now shut up, and start writing”

First and foremost I think I should present a brief history of the man who wrote these comics Grant Morrison: aka King Mob, aka The God of Comics. Basically from what I can tell Morrison pretty much lived the life of a straight edge until he reached his thirties at which point he decided to do every drug he could get his hands on. Also he was abducted by aliens in Katmandu. Yeah you read that right, the dude either was or thinks he was abducted by freaking aliens. He also lived as a transvestite for a little while, and basically came up with the idea for the matrix movies at least three years before the first matrix premiered. God forbid, If his life was ever translated into a biopic movie, it would probably win all the Oscars in the world. Needless to say he is either crazy, or everybody but him is insane, and if there is one thing that’s true about writers it’s that the crazier they are the better their work. I mean look at Kafka, or even Emily Dickinson, the both of them obviously had some debilitating self doubt issues, and how about Hunter S. Thompson, or Shakespeare. Ok I don’t know if Shakespeare was crazy, but could a sane person make up as many words as him? I don’t think so. Dude made up like half the freaking English language. He was probably plotting to take over the world too, all he would have to do is get everyone to talk with his words, and then he could control their thoughts. Straight out of 1984 I tells ya. Thank god he died of (quick break to check wikipedia) unknown causes… UNKNOWN CAUSES!?!? What the fuck, the dude invented half the freaking language, and we don’t know how he died. What have historians been doing? JEEZ!
Ok this column ran long, and I didn’t get to reviewing x-men, but don’t worry I’m gonna do it soon. Think of this as the precursor, and next post will be full of x-meny goodness, and wolverine too. Yeah Wolverine. (Actually BOO Wolverine, his movie sucked ass. I mean they screwed up deadpool big time. I guess I can rant about that some other time though.)

NEXT GRANT MORRISON’S WORK ON NEW X-MEN: REVIEWED!?

Rabbit-man Returns, Forever... And Robin!!!

I totally set that picture of the venture brothers as my desktop wallpaper for a long time a few years ago. Kudos to whoever put that up.

Also since I guess I should write a post: To accompany that comment, and maybe multiply the nerdiness of this post I present:

WHY THE THIRD MATRIX MOVIE SUCKED
A report by Rabbit-man:

I think the main problem with the third Matrix movie can be tied down to the mistakes made with the character of Agent Smith. Keanu Reeves is told that Smith is the anti-christ, and either Smith or Keanu will decide the fate of the world. Naturally this revelation should hold some tension, except for the fact that Keanu Reeves beat the crap out of Agent Smith multiple times, once at the end of the first movie, and twice in the second movie. Hell Reeves beat the shit out of at least one hundred Agent Smiths with a freaking tether ball poll. Obviously Keanu is going to win right? Naturally any viewer will think this when the aforementioned revelation is told, so it is the job of the movie makers to prove Smith is a threat. Except this is never really done in the film. Sure Smith somehow managed to get a human body off camera, and was supposed to pose a threat to Keanu in the real world. However when Smith finally had a chance to kill Keanu (he was pointing a gun at Keanu's head) he gave a fucking Johnny Quest speech explaining a bunch of useless crap, and gave Keanu enough time to kick the gun away and beat the shit out of him. Naturally nobody thinks Smith is a threat by this point, but somehow for some unexplained reason he is bothering the machines or something. Thus the entire film rests on Keanu telling the machines that he will beat the crap out of Agent Smith again if they leave the humans alone. This is all well and good, but it's never explained why Agent Smith is a problem for the machines. As far as the viewer knows Smith is only a program that exists in the Matrix, but the guy who looks like Colonel Sanders said at the end of the second movie that he was going to kill all humans and destroy the matrix in 24 hours or something. So since the machines are going to destroy the matrix they will destroy Smith right? Where is the problem? Why do the Machines need Keanu's help? (Sure there are tons of plot holes in the Matrix movies, but that one is the most obvious right?)

A supplementary problem to this movie is that the Wachowski Brothers forgot to include scenes from the Matrix in the film. Instead an awful lot of time is wasted depicting the humans defending Zion in the "real world" from the machines. These scenes were basically written by the CGI programmers, and were boring as hell, since they were just a bunch of shots of the humans shooting millions of bullets at millions of machines, with no real indication of progress being made for either side. Also, nobody freaking cares about Zion. NOBODY. People want to watch a Matrix film to see cool shit like the free way chase scene from the second movie, and guess what all the cool shit takes place in the Matrix. Therefore the Matrix films should be largely set in the Matrix right? I wanted to see everyone fight the albino twins in a rematch, or how about showing Keanu confront Col. Sanders again. Instead we get a lame ass fight pitting Trinity, Fake Jet Li and Morpheus, against a bunch of loosers who can walk on the ceiling. WHAT?! Sure the ending fight was also in the Matrix, but that was basically Superman fighting a clone of himself (Bizarro?!?). Not exactly what people want to see in a Matrix movie.
Also here are some bullet points I didn't get to
1. What the fuck did Neo do to help mankind?
2. What was the point of Will Smith's wife setting off the EMP? How is she not an idiot for doing that?
3. Killing Trinity a second time... Bad Idea?!
4. Needs more debating over what the concept of "choice" is before fight scenes and or a guy who cuts the bullshit philosophy talk by saying "IMMA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE NOW!"
5. Train guy was awesome. The only guy in the Matrix who didn't have a business suit/leather fetish. Should have fought Neo more or something.

So there you go. I wrote an article so I could comment on the Venture Bros. Picture that adorns this blog now. Hooray.