Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Best Political Team Ever!

I suppose an introduction is in order. Hello my name is Rabbit-man and I will be contributing semiregularly to this blog. Here are some quick facts about me: I once fought a hippo and a walrus at the same time while helping a small child with their math homework. I have no major felonies on my criminal record. I also like long walks on the beach, cuddling, and pressing flowers into books. I apologize in advance for my lack of eloquence, the length of this poorly edited article, and its all around poor quality.

Some of you people out there may have heard of the recent dick waving contest between CNN the most trusted name in news, and Fox news, the self proclaimed news station. For those of you who haven’t, I have one thing to say “Congratulations you have a life! Now leave!”
I feel that I should explain what I am talking about, two weeks ago CNN’s Wolf Blitzer proclaimed that CNN had the best political team on television. What he didn’t explain is what exactly that means, but he’s kind of old so people just humored him for a few days. Sensing an opportunity to assert their superiority, Rupert Murdoch’s FOX News decided to channel comic book guy by proclaiming that they had the “Best Political Team EVER!” Now this bold exclamation got me to thinking just what would be the best political team ever? I decided to do what I normally do when I encounter such a situation: consult my crack team of blog researchers, and after locking 1000 monkeys in a room with 1000 typewriters I was prepared to wait a week and find out. After a few hours I said “screw it”, and decided to do some research myself in the proud blogger tradition, by going to Wikipedia! After a few minutes I compiled this list of what would most assuredly be the best political team ever!

Team Captain: Abraham Lincoln. Let me consult my list of what a team captain should be
1. Must be a good leader who works well under pressure
2. Must have the audacity to stick to their beliefs even if hillbilly farmers with pitchforks threaten them with violence
3. Must have an awesome hat
I think you can all see that Lincoln clearly is the best choice to lead this team.

Team secretary: James Madison. If you were to make a list of the men most responsible for America’s present form of government this dude would be at the top of it. This man’s qualifications are many, but the most obvious are that he was a political genius, and his notes are the only record left of the constitutional convention held in Philadelphia. There ya go he was already acting like a secretary even before the need for this team arose. No one can argue with my logic, he belongs in this position, but Madison was the 18th century equivalent of a white erkel, and all this honky nerdiness needs to be countered. Which brings me to our next member:

Team Lead singer: Barack Obama. When I was compiling this team I had a major problem: how exactly would I counter the void in charisma that is a white erkel? After literally minutes of deep introspection I came up with the only thing that can possibly even this void out: a black Fonzi (god I need to update my metaphors). Websters dictionary defines charisma as the ability of one individual to get members of the opposite sex to like them. Judging by this definition which I just completely made up, Obama has tons of charisma. Oprah winfrey herself recently endorsed him, meaning that soccer moms are coming out in full force for him. But obama’s popularity isn’t limited to soccer moms younger ladies love this guy too, just look at Obama girl.

Team Badass: Makoto Nagano. Ever since I started attending college I have been watching the television station G4. In addition to a steep drop in IQ, I have gained a deep respect, and love of the Japanese game show/insane obstacle course ninja warrior. Only two men have emerged victorious from the show, and this dude was one of them. Just check out this video of him,

If Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris and Mr. T were to somehow have an unholy Japanese love child this guy would be it. I know I would feel safe if I was on the same team as this guy.


Evita said...

I would like to remove Mr. Lincoln as head of your "political team" and input Mr. Thomas Jefferson. The latter is far better qualified to lead and has proved his aptitude in politics, law, architecture, economics, English, estate management, etc. Although Mr. Jefferson lacks a cool hat, I believe that his other credentials would more than make up for it.

Rabbit-man said...

You see the problem with TJ is that he never took a decisive stance on slavery. He was all "Let the next generation handle it. Leave me alone I want to take a nap".

Historians usually classify the top three presidents as George Washington, Franklin Roosevelt, and Abe Lincoln. George Washington had wooden teeth, so that rules him out as a team leader, and until they invent a rocket propelled wheel chair Franklin Delano Roosevelt won't be a serious contender for the position of team leader. I really wanted a president from the top three for this team, and Abe was the only one left.

Thanks for the input though. TJ would definetly be qualified for team architect, and maybe Monticello could serve as the home base for the team.

Evita said...

I beg to differ that TJ is not in the top three. Also, his stance on slavery was the safest he could take morally and politically for his time. That should be commended, not counted against him.

And your comment about the wheelchair, was very crude.

So crude, I laughed a little.

Rabbit-man said...

I'd like to comment on how flawed that poll is. Clearly 19 votes have been cast, but the website only says there are seven.