Saturday, October 4, 2008

Rabbit-man Returns

Ok readers I know it has been a long time since anyone has posted anything on this blog and I would like to take the time to explain to you why. You see the Element of Surprise freighter where I and my fellow bloggers live play and work, was blown up by mutant terrorist babies. It was awful and not many of us made it out from there with our sanity in tact. It took me a while to hunt down those terrorists, but now that I have single handedly found and exterminated all of them, I am happy to tell you that I am back and ready to post on this blog again (and all the other contributors can come out of hiding). Yeay!

And it’s a good thing I came back too, because we are in some dire shit right now. I emphasize the dire here things aren’t going well at all. I’m talking of course about TV ratings, and how some of my favorite shows are being slowly throttled to death by the indifferent Nielsen-box-equipped minority of people that decide the television ratings. Good shows like Pushing Daisies, Chuck, and that terminator show are all getting shitty ratings, and may end up being canceled. But who is to blame for this catastrophe of epic proportions? Is it the small bus riding Nielsen box people? NO!!! It is the Network executives, and here is why.

To understand how TV works you must know one thing: people don’t like to change the channel on their TV. You can advertise a show all you want, but if you don’t forcibly grab those slobbering Nielsen box using idiots and place them in front of the TV when a good show is on they won’t watch it. Now here comes the question how do you force people to watch TV? The answer is you can’t, but you can be creative, and trick those pigeon brained Nielsen families into watching a good show like pushing daisies. All you need to is put a more successful (better watched) show in the time slot ahead of it. It is that simple. Advertising when a show is on doesn’t work because people are too stupid to remember when a new show is on, but people will remember when shows like American Idol, Grey’s Anatomy, and Celebrity Reality show concept 13 are on. So you just put a show on after that.

There is a historical precedent for this shit. For example let’s consider the TV show House MD, when House first premiered it’s ratings were absolute shit nobody watched that show. Fortunately FOX in an uncharacteristically shrewd scheduling move put House on after American Idol. You know what happened? People watched House because they were too stupid to change the channel after American Idol, and House became a hit!!! Fast forward to a few weeks ago, Fringe premiered on FOX and got shitty ratings, then a week later Fox moved Fringe to the time slot after House, and guess what happened Fringe became a hit. It is literally that simple, all the advertising in the world isn’t worth a shit, when you can just put one show on after a successful show and have it leech of it’s predecessor’s ratings. SO ABC LISTEN UP, AND PUT PUSHING DAISIES ON AFTER GREY’S ANATOMY, FANS OF GREY’S WILL SURELY LIKE PUSHING DAISIES, AND WILL MIGRATE OVER TO THE FAR SUPERIOR SHOW. That is all

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why China must go down

I am back again, pissed as ever and following up on my earlier rant Why we must not dislike the People's Republic of China BUT HATE , DESPISE, AND ABHOR THE BASTARDS.

As the 2008 Olympics progress, issues are popping up and they all point to why we must look down upon the Chinese with contempt. So much for the symbolism of fairness and harmony.

First, the Chinese are putting under aged players into the Olympics to gain unfair advantage. In 2004, the United States didn't allow Nastia Liukin to participate in the Olympic gymnastics even though she was the best in her field because she was under aged. This is came to no one's surprise, the United States abides by the rules that have set forth by the IOC. Imagine though if the United States gave her a fake passport and changed her birth certificate to give team USA an advantage in the 2004 Olympics. It would have been a cheap underhanded strategy that undermined the spirit of the Olympics. That's exactly what the Chinese are doing with not one but TWO of their gymnasts in this Olympics. In a disgraceful act of open underhandedness that has become so common of Chinese practice recently, the Chinese are not surprising anybody either.

Second, there was an upset in Women's Archery, as the Chinese became the first non Koreans to take Gold since the 1984 Olympics. I have no problems with upsets; they are bound to happen. But what pisses me off are the bastards in the stands. They jeered the Korean Archery team and put them under excessive stress and pressure by blowing whistles and yelling in the crucial moments of the tournament. The Chinese may have become richer but their mannerism lack the finesse that is prerequisite of global recognition.

Third, in a act of vanity and what can only be described as indecent to the human spirit, the Chinese had a girl mime a crucial song in the opening ceremony because she had the perfect face while the girl who actually sang the song was banned from appearing because of crooked teeth. Talk about shooting down the mood and bringing children into the world of deceit early. Speaking of the opening ceremony, this year's opening ceremony was the most expensive in the history of the Olympics. Expensive because the Chinese could afford it after abusing migrant workers who worked tirelessly to build the facades of modernity to hide its appalling reality. Journalists have confirmed that the Chinese government are cheating the workers of their wages. Adding to their long list of human rights violations, the Chinese government are back stabbing the very people who are making the glitter and pomp of the Olympics possible. To make the matter even more despicable, most of the under payed and unfairly treated workers have been thrown out of areas near tourist attractions and Olympic venues. The People's Republic is showing its color once again, as nothing but authoritarian crooks who want to turn the Olympics into a racket, bastards.

Fourth, in an act that I am still trying to figure out why on earth the Chinese would do something like this. Open racism towards blacks and Mongolians? So much for that fake song about harmony that was sung in the opening ceremony. This is just unbelievable, the Chinese government actually openly doing something that will damage its reputation.

If I keep going this may become the longest article in the history of blogging so I am going to wrap it up with just a few more things.

Todd Bachman, the father-in-law of Olympic Men's Indoor Volleyball Head Coach Hugh McCutcheon, was stabbed to death. The Chinese play the murder off as being non-politically motivated. Look, if it was a armed robbery, the man would have taken something and ran for cover, not commit, what it seems to be, suicide. Put in simple terms, there was a suicide attack on a Caucasian male in Beijing by a denizen of Beijing. Maybe it was just a bizarre case of a deranged man, but if it was why haven't the Chinese made any statements beyond the fact that "it wasn't politically motivated"? (and how on earth would anyone know whether or not it was) What is his background, what may have been hi motivation, etc are questions that haven't ben answered yet. Obviously China has serious deep seethed issues that needs to be investigated.

This gruesome tragedy occurred despite the fact that the Chinese have turned Beijing into a 21st century police state. Thousands of paramilitary officers, special forces men, and plain cloth officers constantly watch the tourists and the denizens of Beijing. Granted this level of security comes with certain concerns for the Tibetan and Xinjiang separatists, but probably mostly because the People's Republic want to keep anything remotely similar to Tienanmen's Square from happening during the Olympics. They are afraid that their own people will confirm what the rest of the world already knows. That the Chinese government is a sick despicable entity and too often the people don;t act any better.

I pray that the Chinese will not be awarded for these treacherous activities by taking first overall by the end of the tournament. I hope the government is humiliated and the people forced into a state of repentance by the end of all this.

Who will be our champion that brings down the flaming sword of justice upon Beijing? God I just hope that there is one.

The element of Surprise blog presents: SPARTAN WEEK!

That's right coming soon the Element of Surprise Blog will host the first annual Spartan Week featuring all kinds of articles on Spartans crammed into one tiny, tiny week. Your brain won't know what happened, but you may find yourself inexplicably attracted to men in tiny speedos, and the works of Frank Miller. Just roll with it, You'll be fine.

This isn't shark week, IT'S SPARTAN WEEK!!!

Spartan week is an Element of Surprise production, generously sponsored by Pepsi, and the new HBO series about vampires, we don't know what the hell it's called, but hey it's about vampires surely that will attract you goth kids.
Think about it you can watch it Ironically, just say hey I don't really like it, but the fact that I watch something as mainstream as HBO even though I'm clearly part of the counter culture makes me cool. Right?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Rabbit-man Gets Political...Kinda

Ok people seems like nobody has posted on this blog for a while so I thought I would bust out one of my backup blog posts. Hah bet you didn't know I had backup blog posts. Well guess what? I do! This is just one of the many many many blog posts I have backed up in a secure location (strapped to the back of a polar bear that I set loose in the antarctic) waiting to be busted out at a moment's notice.

Well this is surely a relevant issue to us all: We are wasting money helping seniors pay for scooters so they can scoot around to the grand canyon, help their kids make cookies, and do various other things that normal and productive members of society do everyday. It's terrible...

Oh wait helping the seniors is a good thing...

Well if you actually read the link, like I just did, you will find that the government could save over one billion dollars by opening up competition for the medicare contract that finances these scooters, and yet lobbyists are trying to stop this from happening, and are succeeding!!! Dun dun DUNN!!!
Think about it, one billion dollars is financing for less than a week of war in Iraq dudes!! We totally need that money!!!!!!!!!

{[Editor's note]I think my point is starting to get lost in this convoluted mess of a post, but I've already spent a good 20 minutes trying to look for commercials from the scooter store meaning I can't delete this, so I'm deleting the paragraph or two that I wrote for this part. Just know this post was once really long, and was super convincing I just didn't have the time to edit it. Also could anyone tell me what language this website is written in. One of my earlier blog posts seems to be refrenced on it, but I just can't figure out what god forsaken language it's in.}

So remember friends help the seniors, cause nobody else will, Tell your congressman to quit being a douchebag and award competitive contracts to these scooter companies.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Look! There Are White People In That Boat

Long story short I was looking around on the internet the other day (actually it was a few seconds ago, I'm just a pathological liar) and I found this funny ad from a comic book.

Isn't it awesome that just about every sentence in that strip ended in an exclamation point?!

So without going the obvious route of making fun of the racism (let's save whitey) let's analyze how effective of an ad this is for Grape-Nut Flakes. Basically they power up a superhero whose only power is that he can magnetize and attract white people. I don't know about you, but I think that kind of sucks. I mean he didn't have heat vision or rocket hands or anything. Screw you grapenuts. Also look at how close that woman's hand is to that guy's crotch in the bottom left panel.

Also if you want to see more offensive comic images click here

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

How To Win An Argument On the Internet

Chances are if you have used the internet long enough you have probably seen an internet message board. Message boards are terrible places where people argue like bitter enemies, or lavish undue adulation on topics whose only defining traits are their mediocrity. Most of the time some topic you see on one of these boards will tick you off, and you will want to prove that whatever idiot wrote that topic is wrong. This is a guide to doing just that. Just follow these three easy steps:

1. Get Offended: This is an awesome technique considering the fact that the internet acts as a sort of collective unconsciousness for the general population, and one of the key signals of this fact is that people curse like sailors and say the most horribly offensive things. If you see that you are losing an argument, find something that your opponent said that was offensive, and proclaim how offensive you found it. Now you have changed the argument from a discussion on whether or not Naruto and Sasuke are secretly gay for each other into whether or not MilfHunter69 is a racist/homophobe/nazi. Nobody wants to be called a racist/homophobe/nazi, so chances are other people will join in and help you berate your opponent, in an effort to blend in. Now whatever MilfHunter69 says will be treated like the rantings of a bigot, and you will look like a hero for standing up for the "little guy".

2. Call the Other person a child: You can classify the userbase of the internet into two broad categories: People who aren't children vs. People who are. People who are not children are usually classified by their ability to put together cogent thoughts, and their hatred of people who are children. While people who are children are classified by their need to act like they aren't a child. To put it in simpler terms if you call your opponent a child you instantly turn the entire internet population against them. However, you must be careful, because calling someone else a child is like a wild west duel, and they will surely retaliate by calling you a child back. In order to win the argument about who is the child you must present compelling evidence! Luckily for you, I have categorized the two biggest indicators of whether or not your opponent is a child
  1. They are Homophobic
  2. They can't properly use apostrophes
If you catch your opponent doing either of those two things, you have just won the argument!

3. Say your cousin/brother/family member is an insider on whatever topic is being discussed, and they told you this... This is a classic technique, and will work alot of the time, and the beauty of it is that nobody can really disprove what you said without concrete evidence. The beauty of the internet is the anonymity, and your opponent probably doesn't know shit about your personal life, use this to your advantage.

Now there will be times when even these fool proof methods will fail, and you will have to retreat when you loose an argument. When retreating remember one thing: honor, and shame do not exist on the internet, and take advantage of that fact, using either one of the following steps.

1. Say that you have indisputable proof to back up your point, and link to an outside source confirming your belief. Only instead of actually linking to a legitimate source, link to something like a video of 2 girls 1 cup. This is known as the Nuclear Option, because if you do this, chances are a message board moderator will come and erase all traces of your argument. Naturally moderators don't want that crap on their board, and they don't want to read your pathetic argument so they will just "play it safe" and get rid of the entire topic. Sometimes this doesn't work, but if it does you can turn a loss into a stalemate.

2. Say your cousin/sibling/cat got on your computer and in an effort to mess with you they were the ones who started, or lost (depending on the situation) the argument. This allows you to maybe keep some respect if your opponents are gullible, and also gives you a good reason to stop arguing without looking like an idiot (you'll look like an idiot if your opponent calls your bullshit, but lets think positive for now).

There you have it Rabbit-Man's guide to winning an argument on the internet. Go out there and make me proud!

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Only News You Need to Know

Ok I think I understand how blogs work now, they are really just supposed to be a bunch of random links with maybe some musings on them. So until one of the other writers for this blog posts something, I may keep up this crap. That's a threat and a promise yo!

First off, apparently the Chinese have invented a net-cannon to capture renegade protesters! Yes a net cannon, a Scooby-Doo-level net cannon! Who would have thought that China would be the first to not only invent a working net cannon, but actually find use for one? Apparently the police force using these net-cannons will be riding around on Segways like Gob from Arrested Development! The comedic potential is endless! Hopefully somebody will piss off the police in front of a camera at the olympics so we can see this net-cannon in action!
Shenanigans will surely ensue, this summer at the Olympics, on NBC!!!!!

Apparently some of you did not heed my advice, and Mamma Mia made 27 million dollars this weekend!!! Yep that's right dollars not pesos, not rubles, not any other fake currency, cold hard American Dollars... DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN RECALL MY THREAT?!?! That's right I said I would hunt you down and cut you if you watched Mamma Mia, AND YOU GO OUT AND WATCH IT ANYWAY?!? What the hell America? WHAT! THE!! HELL!!!

On a side note, apparently even more of you watched the Dark Knight, so good for you! Maybe I'll put away my cutting knife, since you did listen to at least half of what I said.

And Finally the new Watchmen Trailer premiered this weekend, leading everyone to ask "Will Dr. Manhattan be naked like he was in the comics?" I mean that dude did not know the meaning of shame he was just running around practically the entire time without any pants on, like so much anatomically correct Bugs Bunny.

Oh and on the watchmen subject... Tales of the Black Freighter (Which was in the watchmen comic as a story within a story, similar to Hamlet's The Murder of Gonzago), about the guy who had to make a boat out of dead bodies in order to sail back home after being stranded on an island, will be made into an animated movie to premiere alongside the theatrical release of Watchmen. Did this really need to happen, because when I read the watchmen comic I just skipped over that part, it was totally gross!!

Oh and then there is this headline, it's really old, but what the hell? Apparently some doctors are worried that kids will identify with a villain that smokes in the Incredible Hulk movie. What about Cruella De Ville from 101 Dalmations? She smoked, and my generation seems to have survived relatively unscathed. I may not be a doctor or a psychologist, but I'm smart enough to realize that kids who identify with, and mimic the actions of the villains in dumb action movies like the Incredible Hulk, probably weren't going to find the cure for cancer anyways. So let 'em smoke. We will all be better off. Trust me.

Crap now I sound like Hitler.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, and Other Important News

Now if you are a regular reader of the good parts of this column, namely all the contributions from people other than me, you are probably still buzzing over the big news stories of the past week, and there is a chance that you missed out on a very important story while you were busy discussing the threat to Barack Obama's testicles, or the inactivity of John Mccain's testicles. This news story that I speak of will probably already be a well worn topic of discussion to those types who read the life section of the newspaper first. Naturally I don't fall into that category, since I read the sports section of the paper with my morning breakfast of razor blades, sulfuric acid, and napalm, but after I finish my exercise regimine of wrestling with a bunch of bears that I set on fire in my backyard, I do enjoy perusing the life section of my paper for the latest celebrity gossip, and home decorating tips. I should probably cut the suspense since the title of this blog already gives away the topic of this writing, and say that "You all should probably watch Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog". In fact I recommend that you watch other things on the internet too, but first let me sell you on the idea of donating 14 minutes to the good Doctor.

Firstly Doctor Horrible is unlike any internet show you have ever seen!!! It has relatively well known actors, like Neil Patrick Harris (of Doogie Houser, and Harold and Kumar fame), and Nathan Fillion (I only really remember him in Firefly/Serenity, but he was awesome in that show/movie), and Joss Whedon is involved in some way, I don't know how exactly, but I'm going to assume he created it, wrote it, and hopefully directed it. However, the key selling point of this production is that "It's a musical with Supervillains". Now I bet you all are excited now, huh, and you should be, while the show does have a pretty cliched framing story, it makes up for it with good jokes, and catchy musical numbers, and cliches can be forgiven if they are as well executed as they are in this production. Overall I give this 37 Rabbit-man points which translates to 340 Element of Surprise points.

----UPDATE----
Well I just saw the ending of Dr. Horrible and you can take away all the stuff I said about cliches and forget about it. Man I was expecting an ending similar to the way every Jennifer Lopez movie seems to end (not that I have ever willing watched a Jennifer Lopez movie), but shit they pulled a fast one on me with that one. Good stuff all around, and there's just a hint of ambiguity to leave you guessing, and fuel debates on message boards. This whole thing seemed like one great big setup for something else, an origin story if you will, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was more of this to come (Especially since Dr. Horrible has kind of become a media darling). Not to say that there needs to be more. Oh well you people have like a day left to watch this for free on the internet so get to it. I did have one gripe, spoiler alert highlight to read, if you think you can handle it punk. Why did they show bad horse? it worked better when his appearance was a mystery.. Jeez. End Update

Now if you liked Dr. Horrible then I'm sure you'll love Time Warped a musical romp through time that represents some of the earlier work of Trey (South Park) Parker (Click here for part one, Click here for part two). It's kind of obvious from the South Park movie that this man has a gift for entertaining musicals, and the first episode of Time Warped helps to solidify his place as a pretty decent musical writer. Without spoiling too much I will say that Time Warped probably presents the best version of the Moses escapes from Egypt story that I have seen. Unfortunately the show was drastically changed in its second episode, and it really sucked. So don't watch the second episode, it starts around the middle of part two of the link up there FYI LOL BYOB.

While those are two examples of good musicals I would like to take the time to address musicals that aren't good, namely musicals that don't have original songs, but force their stars to lip sync to well known pop songs. Everybody knows these things are bad, hell Viva Laughlin was canceled after one episode, but somehow Hollywood keeps shoveling this crap in our collective plate. I can see why executives would place Mama Mia, the latest example of this genre, opposite the Dark Knight this weekend at the movie theaters, they are obviously hoping for a repeat of the Devil Wears Prada (Which was released opposite Superman Returns, and stole business from that movie), but why was this movie ever greenlit? I vow to never ever learn more about this movie than I learned from staring at Mamma Mia's poster for about 15 minutes, and watching one trailer for the movie before Wanted, but it seems to me that the whole conflict of Mia is moot (for those of you not in the know the plot goes like this: some girl is about to get married, and she finds out that her mom was a huge whore, along the level of cartman's mom, and she doesn't know who her father is. Apparently this is a problem because she wants her dad to give her away at her wedding, even though the fact that she doesn't know who her dad is means that he probably doesn't care enough about her to want to be involved in her life anyway. Somehow the field of candidates for her father is narrowed down to three, and the fact that she could get a paternity test is either dismissed or not brought up at all, so the girl has to figure out who her dad is by singing ABBA songs.) since it is easy to tell who fathered a child, Jerry Springer does it all the time. Oh well I guess the moral to the story is to watch the Dark Knight this weekend, and if you watch Mamma Mia instead I will come to your house and cut you.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

C is for Cookie, D is for Damnation, E is for Extinction

So for those of you who haven't obsessively kept up with all the developments from the Euphoric Eradication Exposition, or E3 I have some quick news.

1. Final Fantasy is no longer a PS3 exclusive

and

2. Apparently nintendo has introduced some kind of crap to make the wiimote work better

1. After reading this I find myself incredibly pissed off. This Final Fantasy XIII coming to the xbox 360 deal is a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. Now I have to say I really have nothing against the 360 hell I bought the 360 version of GTA 4, and I am eagerly awaiting the sequel for the virtual orgasmic alien rape simulator Mass Effect, because no amount of gratuitous banging-everything-that-moves gameplay is enough for me, but I can't help but be extremely annoyed by this whole prospect. Personally I'm surprised nobody else is mentioning this, but for the past two years or however long FFXIII has been in development we have been told that it will be a freaking PS3 exclusive, but today we are told it will come out for XBOX 360 also. This is a huge slap in the face to PS3 owners, I'm going to think that this whole multiplatform thing was on Square Enix's mind for a long time, so why didn't they just say from the beginning that FFXIII would be for the PS3 and 360? I would have had no problem with that. In fact that announcement probably would have created just as big of a media splash, as the current one did, but the fans wouldn't feel as betrayed. It just feels like we've been lied to for about a year or so by all the bastards who said FFXIII would be PS3 exclusive. They could have handled this better, why not for example release XIII a few months early on the PS3 like Unreal Tournament III, or like how Bioshock and the Orange Box were released on the 360 and then ported to the PS3. At least give the PS3 owners some gloating time... Oh well... MGS4 is probably going to the 360 next (at least PS3 owners got alot of time with that game before they loose it's exclusivity.)

AH but who gives a crap about final fantasy? The last one freaking sucked. I mean you could automate Final Fantasy XII so that it plays itself and all you have to do is watch it.. for like 30 hours. Seriously this was built into the game, somebody intentionally made the game like that. Mind boggling right?


2. Now for this Wii remote nonsense. NINTENDO WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! You have the balls to say that you are going to sell some shit to the customer to make your machine work like how it's intended. I hope to god that this will be some sort of free for all customers thing or something like that 'cause if it isn't I will shake my fist violently in your direction!! YOU HEAR ME NINTENDO?! I'M TYPING IN CAPS, THAT MEANS I'M ANGRY!!!! Bah maybe I'm just cranky because I didn't get much sleep thanks to the god damned raccoons that are living in my roof, or the freaking meth addict who lives in the appartment above me. I mean that guy just paces around all night till like 4 in the morning, and he freaking walks so god damned hard that he literally shakes the light fixtures in my ceiling. This ass-clown walks like a freaking four hundred pound bearded lady sitting in some sideshow who has to be wheeled around on a metal slab coated in grease, because if she took a step she would destroy the ground surrounding her. Gad every day this jackass is just walking around up there, he doesn't sit he's just pacing around like some ADD addled child who's all hopped up on nickel nips and pixie sticks. And then I have to think about all the freaking raccoons that are shitting and peeing in the god damned crawl space between our apartments. AND NOOO you can't get anyone to get rid of them because the maintenance dudes are all a bunch of morons who will just come into the house and randomly saw off parts of the ceiling so they can stick in a cage filled with sardines, that is only 50% effective at catching the god-damned raccoons. I got a better idea, just murder one raccoon and smear its blood all over the entrance way to the crawl space, that should settle the whole raccons in the attic thing... or maybe spray wolf urine up there... I hear that works also..

Oh well maybe this article will cheer me up.
Nah it didn't... :(

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Kudos to Rabbit man

I would just like to take a moment and give my congratulations to Rabbit-man for hosting probably one of the longest discussions on blogger. He attracts children with no lives like the pied piper of Hamelin attracts rats. For his vigor in undermining propaganda and defending human dignity, I award Rabbit-man the title Honorary Master-Lecturer and Critic of International Journalism. Your writing is much welcomed and valued. Continue the good work.

Let's all give a round of applause.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Update: Nearly July

Hello all, Evita here. Just wanted to note that:

1. Senor Allende is the only one who has written anything for a while.

2. I will be writing something soon. If you have suggestions on a topic, please do send them along.

3. Have a great summer

That is all.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Why we must not dislike the People’s Republic of China, BUT HATE, DESPISE, AND ABHOR THE BASTARDS

Whatever acclaims China received for its contribution to civilization millenniums ago has been completely obliterated by its barbarous acts today. In showing sympathy to the victims of the earthquake, one must not forget that we should be crossing our fingers for the imminent collapse of the People’s Republic.

It stands as a lasting pain in my side to see Beijing go unpunished after what they had done to one of the greatest acts of civil disobedience, paralleling Gandhi’s salt march and the student movements of 1968. Tiananmen Square must be forever remembered when we watch the gleeful bastards of the Chinese communist party welcoming the Olympic torch to Beijing. Hiding behind their façade of economic development is the odious reality of worker’s abuse (even those in the state sector), largest detainment of political prisoners in the world, greatest number of executions in the world, inhumane and repressive measures upon the rural peasantry, forced abortions, etc etc etc. The Chinese government has shown a complete disregard for human life and dignity.

While certain repressions in the name of economic development in the past saw productive growth in both economic and civil liberties (like in post-1973 Chile where it was economically stable and the people voted in a referendum to remove Pinochet) China despite having incredible economic growth saw an even more incredible and highly disturbing descent of civil liberties.


The Chinese government is reprehensible and the athletes competing in the Beijing Olympics must recognize that their representation bolsters the legitimacy of human rights violators. Athletes must take responsibility for their symbolic role in the global community and show support for justice grounded in the preservation of life not the absurdity practiced by the Chinese government.

However, it is not enough to decapitate the government, its people must act in accordance to what they started in the Tiananmen Square. While the events at Tiananmen Square continues to inspire else where around the world, the Chinese themselves are forgetting their place in the humane world. The toy recall scandal and unsanitary food packaging methods are obviously the tip of the iceberg and this constant desire to cheat the world is driving our patience thin. A nation of people who do not practice its own philosophy of compassion and human care does not deserve to be recognized as equals. I am especially pissed at the Chinese students in Seoul who attacked an elderly Korean man for speaking his mind in support of freedom and justice. Those ungrateful reactionary idiots that piss on the legacy of Tiananmen Square should be ashamed. SHAME, POPPY SHAME, YOU FOOLS THAT WAVE YOUR CHINESE FLAGS AND ACT LIKE CLOWN FOR THE PEOPLE THAT WANT TO TURN YOU INTO SUBMISSIVE PEONS!!!

Regardless, the first step is to cut off the head of the beast and put in on display. The best part is that the United States or any major power in the world does not have to obliterate the farce of the armed force that is the People’s Liberation Army, but watch the country disintegrate from within. I applaud the incompetence that will hinder the preparation of the Olympic infrastructure, the Free Tibet supporters throughout the world, Xinjiang insurgents that are doing their best to derail the whole process, and the rural Chinese peasants who are tired of dealing with all the shit and are surging against the Chinese government.

I encourage the Olympic athletes not to refuse the competition, but rather follow in the footsteps of Tommie Smith and John Carlos from the 1968 Olympics who raised their fists and saluted the world as dignified people acting with a conscience. Support Tibetans in their struggle to rid themselves of their oppressors, for the summer of 2008 is a stage for athletes who have the opportunity to inspire the world with not only their physical stamina, but their courage and conscience. China is undoubtedly, blatantly using the Olympics as a political tool and must be beaten. I will cheer on the athletes of the world who will crush their Chinese competitors and humiliate the communist party. The stage is almost set, let us enjoy the beginning of the end of the People’s Republic of China!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Rabbit-man's guide to reviewing

Hello kids it’s me your uncle rabbit-man, and I’m here to lecture you all on the process of writing a review! I know you all are disappointed that I have abandoned my classic blog post structure of a paragraph justifying an insane rant, followed by an insane rant, but just like an insane homeless man without a recent acid trip to describe, I can’t think of a rant today. So instead I am going to discuss the process of writing a review. I promise it will hurt less than being eaten to death by a herd of ravenous puppies.

Alright if you are going to write a review you must make an important choice before you even put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, or piss to snow, whatever the analogy is these days, and that choice is whether you will write a review with a numeric score, or grade at the end or not. Now both of these methods have their advantages and disadvantages, for example writing a review with a grade will allow you to simply rant about whatever you want as long as it is tangentially related to the subject matter, and you can just put a grade at the end to tell the reader what you meant. This also has a drawback, because most readers are either smart, busy, or illiterate, and will simply skip to your score and ignore the rest of your review. The flipside of this choice is writing a review without attaching a score, when writing one of these you must be careful to make sure that you convey a judgment on the subject that you are reviewing since you don’t have the luxury of just writing a score. Naturally not including a score will force those lazy bastards who read your reviews to actually read your review.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way let’s get to the next most important part of writing a review, coming up with an opening line. In today’s society of fast food, 24 hour news, and instantaneous access to internet porn, people do not have the attention span to read a long review about any subject, and the first line is probably the only thing that many readers will read in your review. In other words take care to write this it will literally make or break your review. Fortunately writing a first line is easy: just make a vague and generic observation about the subject “The conflict of profiting off of war, is explored through the lens of a superhero origin story in the summer’s first true blockbuster Iron Man.” Feel free to describe the plot of what you are reviewing, if there is one, but just make sure that whatever you are saying is vague. The first line has to be vague because you want to confuse the reader into reading more of your writing. Another method of doing this could be to use a question. Normally “who would have thought…” works pretty well, like “Who would have thought that an asshole could be so entertaining to watch?” and then write your review.

Now you get to the meat and potatoes of your review the part where you judge something. Now let me tell you judging stuff is fun, there’s no better way to make yourself feel good than putting something down. Next time you find out that your pet fluffly died make fun of some little kid’s drawing, or next time you find out that your track time doesn’t qualify you for the special Olympics, make fun of a little kid’s sandcastle. Don’t you feel better? It’s pretty much the same thing with reviewing. Think, if you get that much joy out of making fun of a small child how much more joy will you get when you make fun of a $100 million dollar movie? Now I know what you are thinking “Rabbit-man reviews aren’t always negative, critics do write a lot of positive reviews.” Which brings me to my next point: If you are going to write a positive review, write it so that you get your name on the movie poster or DVD cover. Just put in a bunch of sentences that end in exclamation points like “Iron man is a laugh a minute thrill ride of intense pleasure!!!” or “I count two moments in my life as my happiest my marriage, and the birth of my son, and the two hours I spent watching Iron man has surpassed both of them!!” or the classic “Iron man is better than sex!!!” See it’s easy, and if the movie is particularly bad like Uwe Boll’s In the name of a king a dungeon siege tale, then you can write a glowing review and know that your quote will make it on the DVD for sure, seriously there was only like one good review for that movie.

So I have now taught you dear reader everything that I know about reviewing. Be sure to use your powers for good, and never stray from the righteous path I have outlined for you. Oh and I actually wrote this article so I could review Iron man but I got a little bit side tracked. Yeah it was a good movie, but the ending fight kind of sucked, the movie would have been better if it just focused on Tony Stark, and not Iron man. I give it 11331 points.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Behold. It's a hollow, hollow world

Hello, good evening, good morning, depending on whatever place you are reading from, which I can't really give a damn about. I haven't written a post for some time now so my writing is rusty. This certainly will not be your best reading experience, but then again, what internet literature has? You'll probably feel slight discomfort, an itch in the lower rectal region, and in some cases, severe onset of boredom. If symptoms persist, then stop reading you dumbass.

Consider this scenario: After a failed pathetic concert of yours, you walk out the back stage with your head hanging low, more lifeless than a flaccid manhose at a beach full of really wrinkled nuns, and you are greeted by your family and friends outside."That was great performance!""Good job""Nice""Don't worry, you did well"These are often the words you hear followed by a hug of comfort. But you immediately notice that their faces have no heart and the words carry no authenticity. You stand there, gritting your teeth, feeling the lifeless arms wrap around, and secretly swearing inside that you will hideously butcher these people someday for the heart-piercing lies. LIES! LIES!!! Words of deceit and hypocrisy. And even if you didn't notice then, you figure out later and try to reconcile with the repressed blinding rage by repeated fist motion directed against the wall. This sound like a familiar situation to you? Yes? Then skip the next column.

What? No? Then you're either A) a social recluse who never interacted with the outside world, B) A 1 yr old baby or C) a complete idiot because everybody has had these hollow praises sometime in their lifetime.

That's right, the world is full of these hollow empty gestures. Cashiers saying "have a nice day" at 11:59 PM, someone you barely know saying "how you been?", and waiters coming up to ask "Is everything all right?". One of the notorious and horrible breeding ground for these kind of people exists in this world, by the name of Facebook. Its pokes and superpokes and mindless "wHatz up? Lol :D" are widely tolerated in its realm, even though people just do it to get attention for themselves. (If I were to go fully into detail about Facepig, the article length would triple so I'll write about it someday later. I guess. Anway...)No, these people couldn't care less about what you have been up to or how your life is accomodated. You think I'm lying? Then try this for a change. Say something that they wouldn't expect. Instead of "Have a nice day" "You too", say "You dont' mean that". Instead of "How you been?" "Good", say "Bad." Instead of "Is everything all right?" "Yes", say "No". Most likely their facial fiture will vomit a look of disgust because they realized that they are left with two choices of either revealing their apathy and walk off, or grin like lobotomized pet dog, and listen to something they sincerely don't care about.

Damn this planet lacking genuine gestures, with its insincere inhabitants with empty etiquette. Where did the heart go? Is this why nobody cared when Kitty died? And it's generally accepted under the rug by the society too, which makes things so bad. If hidden hollowness is accepted, then I claim that obvioussincerety should be used as countermeasure.

"That was a great show!""Thanks for lying straight into my face! I'll take note of that when I get my guns tomorrow"

"Have a nice day!""Not anymore since you just lied!"

"How you been?""You're just saying that so you'll feel morally self satisfied!"

At this point now you might probably be thinking, "well gee-whiz. This here fella sure is dumb cause everybody knows this". Unfortunately, some people don't. "So yer writing this to the world?" No, it's not like many people read this blog anyway. "What? Then heck, why?" I'm just venting my rage dammit. Leave me alone. Great, now I feel worse because of you stupid reader and your stupid questions. I'm gonna sleep.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

How to be a TV Producer

In the TV industry it is common for writers to take an idea that worked in the previous television season and make a new spin on it for the new season. Usually this ends up with a bunch of crappy rip-offs of a successful show like Lost or Desperate Houswives cluttering the airwaves, but sometimes really good shows come around. For example Lost made producers realize that people like serialized mystery shows that have a large cast of different characters connected by some chance circumstance, and Heroes the was born (except this wasn't good because Heroes sucks). Heroes made producers realize that the public likes shows about people who have magic powers, and the fantastically awesome Pushing Daisies was born!! Now I could be a pessimist and question whether the awesomeness of Pushing Daisies justifies all the crappy rip-offs of Lost, but I won’t because I’m getting off topic. Recently with the success of Battlestar Galactica Television writers have begun to think that making gritty versions of beloved shows from yesteryear is a good idea. This concept has led to crappy shows like Bionic Woman and Nightrider.

Well now I’ve come up with a great twist on a beloved classic from yesteryear. I call it: SMURFS 2000, and here is my pitch for this gritty action packed new show.

One sentence pitch: Terrence Jacobson is a cult deprogrammer sent by the government to assess a local community that has sprung up in the mountains near a rural village.

Pitch that I would give to a studio executive: It’s like Battlestar Galactica but with smurfs!!!

Main Characters:

Terrence Jacobson: A psychiatrist who specializes in deprogramming individuals from cults. He is a 30 something individual, who has no actual field experience to speak of essentially this mission is his first interaction with an actual cult since he completed his education.

Robert Douglas: A body guard with a dark and shady past sent to accompany Jacobson on his mission. His philosophy is to get the job done no matter the consequences, but after a few episodes the audience will discover that he’s actually a kind hearted person. He is about 40 years old

Papa: The enigmatic leader of the S.M.U.R.F. community. What are his motivations? Can he be trusted? He is in his late 50s

Codename Smurfette: A femme fatale sent in by the government after the events of the first story-arc. She serves as a love interest for Jacobson, because we need a romance in this show to get the women to watch. Cast an attractive 20 something actress for this role.

Jokey: The leader of the resistance movement that has sprung up against Papa. He plants bombs around the village that look like presents. We can make it a commentary on American Materialism or something. He hates god for some reason.

Story-arcs

Introduction (Will take place over the course of the first three episodes)
Terrence Jacobson, and Douglas enter the village, but before Jacobson can meet with Papa a bomb explodes killing his government escort. When Papa tells Jacobson and Douglas that the bombing was the work of a terrorist named Jokey, Douglas heads off to hunt him down, and Jacobson must convince his superiors in the government not to destroy the entire community for attacking their men.

Second Story Arc (Will take place over the next three to four episodes)
Codename Smurfette is dispatched to the village to act as a spy for the government, and to observe the progress Jacobson is making. Meanwhile during interrogation Jokey reveals that his followers have hidden several more bombs around the community. After Douglas is injured saving Jacobson from a bomb, Jacobson and Codename smurfette must team up to find the rest of Jokey’s followers.

Third Story Arc: (Six episodes)
Jokey is taken away to be tried by a military tribunal, and Jacobson begins his job of interviewing the community members. Jokey’s trial is covered, and he tries to cut a deal with the military by offering them information on the inner workings of the S.M.U.R.F. community. Meanwhile Douglas begins to suspect that the nurses are trying to kill him in the S.M.U.R.F. hospital, and Jacobson becomes the target of an assassin who believes that the government wants to destroy the community.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Your Children Aren't Safe

Hello and welcome to FNN headline news this is your host Rambo Cocksplosion. You all had better be strapped into your seat, because we have got an hour of news that’ll totally make you forget about last weeks show with the three car chases, the polygamist cult, and the baby shaking babysitter.

Rambo: We now go to our Field reporter Tom, who has an update on a grizzly accident discovered early today.
Tom: I’m here today on the scene of a gruesome skateboarding accident. Earlier today police found the body of Tobias Mallory, covered in lighter fluid in a ditch with three hunting knives in his back. According to his friends Tobias was practicing for a big skating trick at the local tournament to be held later this week.
Rambo: I hate to interrupt you Tom, but weren’t you supposed to interview the police chief?
Tom: Yeah that’s why he’s standing here right next to me, I was trying to build up to the interview with a clever segue, but I guess I’ll just start it now. Police chief Seamus O’Flannery how was your day?
O’Flannery: It was pretty good until I got to this accident here. Tis a shame really seeing these young kids dying in a bunch of accidents. Why just last week little Jimmy Cruise shot himself 15 times while chopping off both of his hands. Why do these kids feel the need to do all these extreme stunts?
Rambo: Uh Tom that was a terrible question. Why don’t you ask him something relevant.
Tom: Rambo you arrogant little shit I never took that crap from you when I was your boss and I’m not gonna take it now.
Rambo: Yeah you were a terrible manager for this network that’s why you got demoted to field reporter. Now you are a terrible field reporter. At least you’re consistent.
Tom: Well I’d like to see you come up with a good question when you have to smell the stench of some dead skateboarding clown Rambo.
Rambo: You were a terrible father too.
Tom: Yeah well I’m ashamed of you son.
O’Flannery: Can I leave now?
Rambo: We’re gonna take a quick break
Tom: Yeah that’s right run away from all your problems son, you’re just like your mother.

Segment 2 Marilyn Monroe sex tape:
Rambo: Well we just got some breaking news apparently a Marilyn Monroe sex tape has been discovered we brought in our Sex Tape expert to explain more.
Jacob Hume: Hi Rambo nice to be here.
Rambo: Well Jacob how is that sex tape do we get to see any boob?
Jacob: Oh yeah there’s tons of boob, there’s this guy, in the tape you never really see his face, but he’s got his shirt off the whole time. Fantastic I tell ya.
Rambo: I meant is Marilyn Monroe naked in this tape.
Jacob: No not really.
Rambo: Then why is it called a sex tape if we don’t get to see her naked?
Jacob: Well she might not be naked but she’s giving that naked guy the finest blow job I’ve ever seen. Good lord by my count it was fifteen minutes long. Just from my perspective she really gave the guy what he wanted. He could barely walk afterward. She was like a freaking vacuum cleaner.
Rambo: Some people seem to think the man in this video could have been former president John F. Kennedy.
Jacob: Just from my knowledge of penises it could very well be true. I mean that was a penis worthy of a president. Monroe really gave that thing a workout , if it was any normal man’s penis it would have surely fallen off.
Rambo: Thank you Jacob it’s been a pleasure.
Jacob: The pleasure’s all mine.

Segment 3 Your Children aren’t safe.
Rambo: we have a special report from our local correspondent Gustav Robertson on a problem affecting our local schools, and the solution one brave Arizona senator has suggested.
Robertson: Springvalley elementary school, a quiet place where children come to learn. Well last week the calm environment of the school was shattered, like a hand grenade baked into a wedding cake, as a deranged man dressed in a bear suit broke into the school and started slapping kids with what witnesses described as a rotting fish. The outcry against this incident was tremendous. How can we assure that this would never happen to our children again? Well Karen Johnson, a brave state senator from Arizona, had a solution. She proposed a bill that would allow kindergarten and up students to carry firearms on school campuses. Unfortunately the political quacks in the Arizona state senate amended the bill to only allow for college students to carry firearms. Now your children aren’t safe, because they don’t have firearms with which to protect themselves. Senator Johnson put it best when she said “I feel like our Kindergarteners are sitting there like sitting ducks.” Another way of keeping our children safe just thrown out the window, like an unwanted pregnancy on prom night. I don’t know about you Rambo, but I certainly will be worrying about my little one tonight.
Rambo: Damn fine reporting Robertson, Damn fine reporting.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Discuss!!

This may be a little old, or obvious to everyone but me, but I’d like to possibly contribute something of worth to this blog, so here is a topic we could discuss in these here comments section. Some people view the increased rivalry between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama as a sign that the democratic party is imploding, is this assumption true?
There could be an unforeseen benefit to this, namely that Clinton and Obama are doing so much to dig up dirt on each other that the republicans will have trouble coming up with slander against whichever one prevails. We all know that the American public has a relatively short memory of current events, so when Mccain brings up about how Obama’s pastor is crazy, or how Hillary Clinton has a tendency to forget whether or not she was shot at, people will say “That’s old, we want something new and sexy!”
What do you think audience? Could this be a blessing in disguise to the Democrats? Is this point that I made hugely obvious, and am I waisting your time here? Discuss friends! Discuss!

Also big news apparently Oliver Stone is making a movie about George W Bush called "W". Here is the cast list http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2008-03-27-stone-bush-movie_N.htm#discov

HAH funny the guy who is playing Bush is the evil doctor from Planet Terror. : )
Everybody vote for Chuck Norris to play Dick Cheney at that link, that will make "W" ten times more badass.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Rabbit-man Manifesto

Arrogance is a common folly of professional bloggers like me. Essentially we are translating the events of the world into easy to process segments so that you the proletariat may have a chance, however small, of understanding what’s going on around you. Blogging is a thankless job that leads to long hours and intense loneliness, and the only rational compensation one can seek through blogging is a false sense of superiority. One of my countless responsibilities is to remain constantly vigilant, so that my columns do not dissolve into a virtual pissing contest between me, myself, and I. So I have decided to expunge all the false arrogance I can muster into one column. You lucky bastards are reading that column right now.

Please enjoy a list of fictional characters that I could totally beat up. First I think I should add that these fights wouldn’t be a straight up fistfight, I would be bringing my trademark weapon, a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through the end, to counter my lack of physical strength, and to add even more range to my long wiry arms. Now let the listing commence.

1. Mario, Mario: This video game icon has starred in numerous games, which the nerds at Wikipedia have numbered to around 200. So why do I think I could beat up this asshat? Well I’m getting to that point right now. Let’s look at the facts: the story of the Mario games revolves around an obese plumber who takes a trip to the mushroom kingdom to rescue a princess from a dragon, while eating magic mushrooms that give him super powers. Nintendo got two things right, one that Mario is an obese plumber and two that he is tripping out on magic mushrooms, or shrooms as my gang friends might call them. I wouldn’t even need my awesome bat to beat up a barely conscious plumber.

2. Bambi: Now I realize some of you may be horrified by my inclusion of Bambi on this list, but let me reassure you when I imagine fighting Bambi I don’t imagine fighting the cute little deer, and his animal friends, I usually have a certain scenario in my mind. You see in my mind Bambi has been infected with a particularly violent strain of rabies, and has taken to terrorizing a small town. Eventually I am called in by the town leadership with the promise of two comely lasses if I am able to rid the town of this beast. Now since this fight is part biological warfare, I would probably wear a mask or maybe some goggles to protect against infection. When I eventually confront Bambi and he lunges in to attack me, I would whack him with my bat, and hopefully since he is so small and adorable he will go down in one hit. If not I will just repeat the process.

3. Fred Flintstone: This would probably be my greatest battle, I mean have you seen him power that car with his massively powerful legs. However, Fred Flintstone has one notable weakness, he is especially susceptible to concussions. I mean have you seen any episode of the flintstones, he gets hit on the head by a bowling ball or a rock every other episode, and as everyone knows it’s easier to get a concussion when you have already have had one. I would have to do my best to avoid his crazy Neanderthal strength, by keeping far away, and bash him on the head whenever I get a chance. I’m pretty sure one decent hit would put him down for the count.

Also I'd like to extend a warm welcome to our new colleague "sheep rapist", I think you'll fit right in.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Gnome

Spend the years of learning squandering
Courage for the years of wandering
Through a world politely turning
From the loutishness of learning
-Samuel Beckett, 1934

Damn this planet résumé...

Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Best Political Team Ever!

I suppose an introduction is in order. Hello my name is Rabbit-man and I will be contributing semiregularly to this blog. Here are some quick facts about me: I once fought a hippo and a walrus at the same time while helping a small child with their math homework. I have no major felonies on my criminal record. I also like long walks on the beach, cuddling, and pressing flowers into books. I apologize in advance for my lack of eloquence, the length of this poorly edited article, and its all around poor quality.

Some of you people out there may have heard of the recent dick waving contest between CNN the most trusted name in news, and Fox news, the self proclaimed news station. For those of you who haven’t, I have one thing to say “Congratulations you have a life! Now leave!”
I feel that I should explain what I am talking about, two weeks ago CNN’s Wolf Blitzer proclaimed that CNN had the best political team on television. What he didn’t explain is what exactly that means, but he’s kind of old so people just humored him for a few days. Sensing an opportunity to assert their superiority, Rupert Murdoch’s FOX News decided to channel comic book guy by proclaiming that they had the “Best Political Team EVER!” Now this bold exclamation got me to thinking just what would be the best political team ever? I decided to do what I normally do when I encounter such a situation: consult my crack team of blog researchers, and after locking 1000 monkeys in a room with 1000 typewriters I was prepared to wait a week and find out. After a few hours I said “screw it”, and decided to do some research myself in the proud blogger tradition, by going to Wikipedia! After a few minutes I compiled this list of what would most assuredly be the best political team ever!

Team Captain: Abraham Lincoln. Let me consult my list of what a team captain should be
1. Must be a good leader who works well under pressure
2. Must have the audacity to stick to their beliefs even if hillbilly farmers with pitchforks threaten them with violence
3. Must have an awesome hat
I think you can all see that Lincoln clearly is the best choice to lead this team.

Team secretary: James Madison. If you were to make a list of the men most responsible for America’s present form of government this dude would be at the top of it. This man’s qualifications are many, but the most obvious are that he was a political genius, and his notes are the only record left of the constitutional convention held in Philadelphia. There ya go he was already acting like a secretary even before the need for this team arose. No one can argue with my logic, he belongs in this position, but Madison was the 18th century equivalent of a white erkel, and all this honky nerdiness needs to be countered. Which brings me to our next member:

Team Lead singer: Barack Obama. When I was compiling this team I had a major problem: how exactly would I counter the void in charisma that is a white erkel? After literally minutes of deep introspection I came up with the only thing that can possibly even this void out: a black Fonzi (god I need to update my metaphors). Websters dictionary defines charisma as the ability of one individual to get members of the opposite sex to like them. Judging by this definition which I just completely made up, Obama has tons of charisma. Oprah winfrey herself recently endorsed him, meaning that soccer moms are coming out in full force for him. But obama’s popularity isn’t limited to soccer moms younger ladies love this guy too, just look at Obama girl.

Team Badass: Makoto Nagano. Ever since I started attending college I have been watching the television station G4. In addition to a steep drop in IQ, I have gained a deep respect, and love of the Japanese game show/insane obstacle course ninja warrior. Only two men have emerged victorious from the show, and this dude was one of them. Just check out this video of him,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VG5_diRx4U


If Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris and Mr. T were to somehow have an unholy Japanese love child this guy would be it. I know I would feel safe if I was on the same team as this guy.