Sunday, May 18, 2008

Why we must not dislike the People’s Republic of China, BUT HATE, DESPISE, AND ABHOR THE BASTARDS

Whatever acclaims China received for its contribution to civilization millenniums ago has been completely obliterated by its barbarous acts today. In showing sympathy to the victims of the earthquake, one must not forget that we should be crossing our fingers for the imminent collapse of the People’s Republic.

It stands as a lasting pain in my side to see Beijing go unpunished after what they had done to one of the greatest acts of civil disobedience, paralleling Gandhi’s salt march and the student movements of 1968. Tiananmen Square must be forever remembered when we watch the gleeful bastards of the Chinese communist party welcoming the Olympic torch to Beijing. Hiding behind their fa├žade of economic development is the odious reality of worker’s abuse (even those in the state sector), largest detainment of political prisoners in the world, greatest number of executions in the world, inhumane and repressive measures upon the rural peasantry, forced abortions, etc etc etc. The Chinese government has shown a complete disregard for human life and dignity.

While certain repressions in the name of economic development in the past saw productive growth in both economic and civil liberties (like in post-1973 Chile where it was economically stable and the people voted in a referendum to remove Pinochet) China despite having incredible economic growth saw an even more incredible and highly disturbing descent of civil liberties.

The Chinese government is reprehensible and the athletes competing in the Beijing Olympics must recognize that their representation bolsters the legitimacy of human rights violators. Athletes must take responsibility for their symbolic role in the global community and show support for justice grounded in the preservation of life not the absurdity practiced by the Chinese government.

However, it is not enough to decapitate the government, its people must act in accordance to what they started in the Tiananmen Square. While the events at Tiananmen Square continues to inspire else where around the world, the Chinese themselves are forgetting their place in the humane world. The toy recall scandal and unsanitary food packaging methods are obviously the tip of the iceberg and this constant desire to cheat the world is driving our patience thin. A nation of people who do not practice its own philosophy of compassion and human care does not deserve to be recognized as equals. I am especially pissed at the Chinese students in Seoul who attacked an elderly Korean man for speaking his mind in support of freedom and justice. Those ungrateful reactionary idiots that piss on the legacy of Tiananmen Square should be ashamed. SHAME, POPPY SHAME, YOU FOOLS THAT WAVE YOUR CHINESE FLAGS AND ACT LIKE CLOWN FOR THE PEOPLE THAT WANT TO TURN YOU INTO SUBMISSIVE PEONS!!!

Regardless, the first step is to cut off the head of the beast and put in on display. The best part is that the United States or any major power in the world does not have to obliterate the farce of the armed force that is the People’s Liberation Army, but watch the country disintegrate from within. I applaud the incompetence that will hinder the preparation of the Olympic infrastructure, the Free Tibet supporters throughout the world, Xinjiang insurgents that are doing their best to derail the whole process, and the rural Chinese peasants who are tired of dealing with all the shit and are surging against the Chinese government.

I encourage the Olympic athletes not to refuse the competition, but rather follow in the footsteps of Tommie Smith and John Carlos from the 1968 Olympics who raised their fists and saluted the world as dignified people acting with a conscience. Support Tibetans in their struggle to rid themselves of their oppressors, for the summer of 2008 is a stage for athletes who have the opportunity to inspire the world with not only their physical stamina, but their courage and conscience. China is undoubtedly, blatantly using the Olympics as a political tool and must be beaten. I will cheer on the athletes of the world who will crush their Chinese competitors and humiliate the communist party. The stage is almost set, let us enjoy the beginning of the end of the People’s Republic of China!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Rabbit-man's guide to reviewing

Hello kids it’s me your uncle rabbit-man, and I’m here to lecture you all on the process of writing a review! I know you all are disappointed that I have abandoned my classic blog post structure of a paragraph justifying an insane rant, followed by an insane rant, but just like an insane homeless man without a recent acid trip to describe, I can’t think of a rant today. So instead I am going to discuss the process of writing a review. I promise it will hurt less than being eaten to death by a herd of ravenous puppies.

Alright if you are going to write a review you must make an important choice before you even put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, or piss to snow, whatever the analogy is these days, and that choice is whether you will write a review with a numeric score, or grade at the end or not. Now both of these methods have their advantages and disadvantages, for example writing a review with a grade will allow you to simply rant about whatever you want as long as it is tangentially related to the subject matter, and you can just put a grade at the end to tell the reader what you meant. This also has a drawback, because most readers are either smart, busy, or illiterate, and will simply skip to your score and ignore the rest of your review. The flipside of this choice is writing a review without attaching a score, when writing one of these you must be careful to make sure that you convey a judgment on the subject that you are reviewing since you don’t have the luxury of just writing a score. Naturally not including a score will force those lazy bastards who read your reviews to actually read your review.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way let’s get to the next most important part of writing a review, coming up with an opening line. In today’s society of fast food, 24 hour news, and instantaneous access to internet porn, people do not have the attention span to read a long review about any subject, and the first line is probably the only thing that many readers will read in your review. In other words take care to write this it will literally make or break your review. Fortunately writing a first line is easy: just make a vague and generic observation about the subject “The conflict of profiting off of war, is explored through the lens of a superhero origin story in the summer’s first true blockbuster Iron Man.” Feel free to describe the plot of what you are reviewing, if there is one, but just make sure that whatever you are saying is vague. The first line has to be vague because you want to confuse the reader into reading more of your writing. Another method of doing this could be to use a question. Normally “who would have thought…” works pretty well, like “Who would have thought that an asshole could be so entertaining to watch?” and then write your review.

Now you get to the meat and potatoes of your review the part where you judge something. Now let me tell you judging stuff is fun, there’s no better way to make yourself feel good than putting something down. Next time you find out that your pet fluffly died make fun of some little kid’s drawing, or next time you find out that your track time doesn’t qualify you for the special Olympics, make fun of a little kid’s sandcastle. Don’t you feel better? It’s pretty much the same thing with reviewing. Think, if you get that much joy out of making fun of a small child how much more joy will you get when you make fun of a $100 million dollar movie? Now I know what you are thinking “Rabbit-man reviews aren’t always negative, critics do write a lot of positive reviews.” Which brings me to my next point: If you are going to write a positive review, write it so that you get your name on the movie poster or DVD cover. Just put in a bunch of sentences that end in exclamation points like “Iron man is a laugh a minute thrill ride of intense pleasure!!!” or “I count two moments in my life as my happiest my marriage, and the birth of my son, and the two hours I spent watching Iron man has surpassed both of them!!” or the classic “Iron man is better than sex!!!” See it’s easy, and if the movie is particularly bad like Uwe Boll’s In the name of a king a dungeon siege tale, then you can write a glowing review and know that your quote will make it on the DVD for sure, seriously there was only like one good review for that movie.

So I have now taught you dear reader everything that I know about reviewing. Be sure to use your powers for good, and never stray from the righteous path I have outlined for you. Oh and I actually wrote this article so I could review Iron man but I got a little bit side tracked. Yeah it was a good movie, but the ending fight kind of sucked, the movie would have been better if it just focused on Tony Stark, and not Iron man. I give it 11331 points.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Behold. It's a hollow, hollow world

Hello, good evening, good morning, depending on whatever place you are reading from, which I can't really give a damn about. I haven't written a post for some time now so my writing is rusty. This certainly will not be your best reading experience, but then again, what internet literature has? You'll probably feel slight discomfort, an itch in the lower rectal region, and in some cases, severe onset of boredom. If symptoms persist, then stop reading you dumbass.

Consider this scenario: After a failed pathetic concert of yours, you walk out the back stage with your head hanging low, more lifeless than a flaccid manhose at a beach full of really wrinkled nuns, and you are greeted by your family and friends outside."That was great performance!""Good job""Nice""Don't worry, you did well"These are often the words you hear followed by a hug of comfort. But you immediately notice that their faces have no heart and the words carry no authenticity. You stand there, gritting your teeth, feeling the lifeless arms wrap around, and secretly swearing inside that you will hideously butcher these people someday for the heart-piercing lies. LIES! LIES!!! Words of deceit and hypocrisy. And even if you didn't notice then, you figure out later and try to reconcile with the repressed blinding rage by repeated fist motion directed against the wall. This sound like a familiar situation to you? Yes? Then skip the next column.

What? No? Then you're either A) a social recluse who never interacted with the outside world, B) A 1 yr old baby or C) a complete idiot because everybody has had these hollow praises sometime in their lifetime.

That's right, the world is full of these hollow empty gestures. Cashiers saying "have a nice day" at 11:59 PM, someone you barely know saying "how you been?", and waiters coming up to ask "Is everything all right?". One of the notorious and horrible breeding ground for these kind of people exists in this world, by the name of Facebook. Its pokes and superpokes and mindless "wHatz up? Lol :D" are widely tolerated in its realm, even though people just do it to get attention for themselves. (If I were to go fully into detail about Facepig, the article length would triple so I'll write about it someday later. I guess. Anway...)No, these people couldn't care less about what you have been up to or how your life is accomodated. You think I'm lying? Then try this for a change. Say something that they wouldn't expect. Instead of "Have a nice day" "You too", say "You dont' mean that". Instead of "How you been?" "Good", say "Bad." Instead of "Is everything all right?" "Yes", say "No". Most likely their facial fiture will vomit a look of disgust because they realized that they are left with two choices of either revealing their apathy and walk off, or grin like lobotomized pet dog, and listen to something they sincerely don't care about.

Damn this planet lacking genuine gestures, with its insincere inhabitants with empty etiquette. Where did the heart go? Is this why nobody cared when Kitty died? And it's generally accepted under the rug by the society too, which makes things so bad. If hidden hollowness is accepted, then I claim that obvioussincerety should be used as countermeasure.

"That was a great show!""Thanks for lying straight into my face! I'll take note of that when I get my guns tomorrow"

"Have a nice day!""Not anymore since you just lied!"

"How you been?""You're just saying that so you'll feel morally self satisfied!"

At this point now you might probably be thinking, "well gee-whiz. This here fella sure is dumb cause everybody knows this". Unfortunately, some people don't. "So yer writing this to the world?" No, it's not like many people read this blog anyway. "What? Then heck, why?" I'm just venting my rage dammit. Leave me alone. Great, now I feel worse because of you stupid reader and your stupid questions. I'm gonna sleep.