Thursday, July 24, 2008

Look! There Are White People In That Boat

Long story short I was looking around on the internet the other day (actually it was a few seconds ago, I'm just a pathological liar) and I found this funny ad from a comic book.

Isn't it awesome that just about every sentence in that strip ended in an exclamation point?!

So without going the obvious route of making fun of the racism (let's save whitey) let's analyze how effective of an ad this is for Grape-Nut Flakes. Basically they power up a superhero whose only power is that he can magnetize and attract white people. I don't know about you, but I think that kind of sucks. I mean he didn't have heat vision or rocket hands or anything. Screw you grapenuts. Also look at how close that woman's hand is to that guy's crotch in the bottom left panel.

Also if you want to see more offensive comic images click here

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

How To Win An Argument On the Internet

Chances are if you have used the internet long enough you have probably seen an internet message board. Message boards are terrible places where people argue like bitter enemies, or lavish undue adulation on topics whose only defining traits are their mediocrity. Most of the time some topic you see on one of these boards will tick you off, and you will want to prove that whatever idiot wrote that topic is wrong. This is a guide to doing just that. Just follow these three easy steps:

1. Get Offended: This is an awesome technique considering the fact that the internet acts as a sort of collective unconsciousness for the general population, and one of the key signals of this fact is that people curse like sailors and say the most horribly offensive things. If you see that you are losing an argument, find something that your opponent said that was offensive, and proclaim how offensive you found it. Now you have changed the argument from a discussion on whether or not Naruto and Sasuke are secretly gay for each other into whether or not MilfHunter69 is a racist/homophobe/nazi. Nobody wants to be called a racist/homophobe/nazi, so chances are other people will join in and help you berate your opponent, in an effort to blend in. Now whatever MilfHunter69 says will be treated like the rantings of a bigot, and you will look like a hero for standing up for the "little guy".

2. Call the Other person a child: You can classify the userbase of the internet into two broad categories: People who aren't children vs. People who are. People who are not children are usually classified by their ability to put together cogent thoughts, and their hatred of people who are children. While people who are children are classified by their need to act like they aren't a child. To put it in simpler terms if you call your opponent a child you instantly turn the entire internet population against them. However, you must be careful, because calling someone else a child is like a wild west duel, and they will surely retaliate by calling you a child back. In order to win the argument about who is the child you must present compelling evidence! Luckily for you, I have categorized the two biggest indicators of whether or not your opponent is a child
  1. They are Homophobic
  2. They can't properly use apostrophes
If you catch your opponent doing either of those two things, you have just won the argument!

3. Say your cousin/brother/family member is an insider on whatever topic is being discussed, and they told you this... This is a classic technique, and will work alot of the time, and the beauty of it is that nobody can really disprove what you said without concrete evidence. The beauty of the internet is the anonymity, and your opponent probably doesn't know shit about your personal life, use this to your advantage.

Now there will be times when even these fool proof methods will fail, and you will have to retreat when you loose an argument. When retreating remember one thing: honor, and shame do not exist on the internet, and take advantage of that fact, using either one of the following steps.

1. Say that you have indisputable proof to back up your point, and link to an outside source confirming your belief. Only instead of actually linking to a legitimate source, link to something like a video of 2 girls 1 cup. This is known as the Nuclear Option, because if you do this, chances are a message board moderator will come and erase all traces of your argument. Naturally moderators don't want that crap on their board, and they don't want to read your pathetic argument so they will just "play it safe" and get rid of the entire topic. Sometimes this doesn't work, but if it does you can turn a loss into a stalemate.

2. Say your cousin/sibling/cat got on your computer and in an effort to mess with you they were the ones who started, or lost (depending on the situation) the argument. This allows you to maybe keep some respect if your opponents are gullible, and also gives you a good reason to stop arguing without looking like an idiot (you'll look like an idiot if your opponent calls your bullshit, but lets think positive for now).

There you have it Rabbit-Man's guide to winning an argument on the internet. Go out there and make me proud!

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Only News You Need to Know

Ok I think I understand how blogs work now, they are really just supposed to be a bunch of random links with maybe some musings on them. So until one of the other writers for this blog posts something, I may keep up this crap. That's a threat and a promise yo!

First off, apparently the Chinese have invented a net-cannon to capture renegade protesters! Yes a net cannon, a Scooby-Doo-level net cannon! Who would have thought that China would be the first to not only invent a working net cannon, but actually find use for one? Apparently the police force using these net-cannons will be riding around on Segways like Gob from Arrested Development! The comedic potential is endless! Hopefully somebody will piss off the police in front of a camera at the olympics so we can see this net-cannon in action!
Shenanigans will surely ensue, this summer at the Olympics, on NBC!!!!!

Apparently some of you did not heed my advice, and Mamma Mia made 27 million dollars this weekend!!! Yep that's right dollars not pesos, not rubles, not any other fake currency, cold hard American Dollars... DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN RECALL MY THREAT?!?! That's right I said I would hunt you down and cut you if you watched Mamma Mia, AND YOU GO OUT AND WATCH IT ANYWAY?!? What the hell America? WHAT! THE!! HELL!!!

On a side note, apparently even more of you watched the Dark Knight, so good for you! Maybe I'll put away my cutting knife, since you did listen to at least half of what I said.

And Finally the new Watchmen Trailer premiered this weekend, leading everyone to ask "Will Dr. Manhattan be naked like he was in the comics?" I mean that dude did not know the meaning of shame he was just running around practically the entire time without any pants on, like so much anatomically correct Bugs Bunny.

Oh and on the watchmen subject... Tales of the Black Freighter (Which was in the watchmen comic as a story within a story, similar to Hamlet's The Murder of Gonzago), about the guy who had to make a boat out of dead bodies in order to sail back home after being stranded on an island, will be made into an animated movie to premiere alongside the theatrical release of Watchmen. Did this really need to happen, because when I read the watchmen comic I just skipped over that part, it was totally gross!!

Oh and then there is this headline, it's really old, but what the hell? Apparently some doctors are worried that kids will identify with a villain that smokes in the Incredible Hulk movie. What about Cruella De Ville from 101 Dalmations? She smoked, and my generation seems to have survived relatively unscathed. I may not be a doctor or a psychologist, but I'm smart enough to realize that kids who identify with, and mimic the actions of the villains in dumb action movies like the Incredible Hulk, probably weren't going to find the cure for cancer anyways. So let 'em smoke. We will all be better off. Trust me.

Crap now I sound like Hitler.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, and Other Important News

Now if you are a regular reader of the good parts of this column, namely all the contributions from people other than me, you are probably still buzzing over the big news stories of the past week, and there is a chance that you missed out on a very important story while you were busy discussing the threat to Barack Obama's testicles, or the inactivity of John Mccain's testicles. This news story that I speak of will probably already be a well worn topic of discussion to those types who read the life section of the newspaper first. Naturally I don't fall into that category, since I read the sports section of the paper with my morning breakfast of razor blades, sulfuric acid, and napalm, but after I finish my exercise regimine of wrestling with a bunch of bears that I set on fire in my backyard, I do enjoy perusing the life section of my paper for the latest celebrity gossip, and home decorating tips. I should probably cut the suspense since the title of this blog already gives away the topic of this writing, and say that "You all should probably watch Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog". In fact I recommend that you watch other things on the internet too, but first let me sell you on the idea of donating 14 minutes to the good Doctor.

Firstly Doctor Horrible is unlike any internet show you have ever seen!!! It has relatively well known actors, like Neil Patrick Harris (of Doogie Houser, and Harold and Kumar fame), and Nathan Fillion (I only really remember him in Firefly/Serenity, but he was awesome in that show/movie), and Joss Whedon is involved in some way, I don't know how exactly, but I'm going to assume he created it, wrote it, and hopefully directed it. However, the key selling point of this production is that "It's a musical with Supervillains". Now I bet you all are excited now, huh, and you should be, while the show does have a pretty cliched framing story, it makes up for it with good jokes, and catchy musical numbers, and cliches can be forgiven if they are as well executed as they are in this production. Overall I give this 37 Rabbit-man points which translates to 340 Element of Surprise points.

Well I just saw the ending of Dr. Horrible and you can take away all the stuff I said about cliches and forget about it. Man I was expecting an ending similar to the way every Jennifer Lopez movie seems to end (not that I have ever willing watched a Jennifer Lopez movie), but shit they pulled a fast one on me with that one. Good stuff all around, and there's just a hint of ambiguity to leave you guessing, and fuel debates on message boards. This whole thing seemed like one great big setup for something else, an origin story if you will, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was more of this to come (Especially since Dr. Horrible has kind of become a media darling). Not to say that there needs to be more. Oh well you people have like a day left to watch this for free on the internet so get to it. I did have one gripe, spoiler alert highlight to read, if you think you can handle it punk. Why did they show bad horse? it worked better when his appearance was a mystery.. Jeez. End Update

Now if you liked Dr. Horrible then I'm sure you'll love Time Warped a musical romp through time that represents some of the earlier work of Trey (South Park) Parker (Click here for part one, Click here for part two). It's kind of obvious from the South Park movie that this man has a gift for entertaining musicals, and the first episode of Time Warped helps to solidify his place as a pretty decent musical writer. Without spoiling too much I will say that Time Warped probably presents the best version of the Moses escapes from Egypt story that I have seen. Unfortunately the show was drastically changed in its second episode, and it really sucked. So don't watch the second episode, it starts around the middle of part two of the link up there FYI LOL BYOB.

While those are two examples of good musicals I would like to take the time to address musicals that aren't good, namely musicals that don't have original songs, but force their stars to lip sync to well known pop songs. Everybody knows these things are bad, hell Viva Laughlin was canceled after one episode, but somehow Hollywood keeps shoveling this crap in our collective plate. I can see why executives would place Mama Mia, the latest example of this genre, opposite the Dark Knight this weekend at the movie theaters, they are obviously hoping for a repeat of the Devil Wears Prada (Which was released opposite Superman Returns, and stole business from that movie), but why was this movie ever greenlit? I vow to never ever learn more about this movie than I learned from staring at Mamma Mia's poster for about 15 minutes, and watching one trailer for the movie before Wanted, but it seems to me that the whole conflict of Mia is moot (for those of you not in the know the plot goes like this: some girl is about to get married, and she finds out that her mom was a huge whore, along the level of cartman's mom, and she doesn't know who her father is. Apparently this is a problem because she wants her dad to give her away at her wedding, even though the fact that she doesn't know who her dad is means that he probably doesn't care enough about her to want to be involved in her life anyway. Somehow the field of candidates for her father is narrowed down to three, and the fact that she could get a paternity test is either dismissed or not brought up at all, so the girl has to figure out who her dad is by singing ABBA songs.) since it is easy to tell who fathered a child, Jerry Springer does it all the time. Oh well I guess the moral to the story is to watch the Dark Knight this weekend, and if you watch Mamma Mia instead I will come to your house and cut you.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

C is for Cookie, D is for Damnation, E is for Extinction

So for those of you who haven't obsessively kept up with all the developments from the Euphoric Eradication Exposition, or E3 I have some quick news.

1. Final Fantasy is no longer a PS3 exclusive


2. Apparently nintendo has introduced some kind of crap to make the wiimote work better

1. After reading this I find myself incredibly pissed off. This Final Fantasy XIII coming to the xbox 360 deal is a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. Now I have to say I really have nothing against the 360 hell I bought the 360 version of GTA 4, and I am eagerly awaiting the sequel for the virtual orgasmic alien rape simulator Mass Effect, because no amount of gratuitous banging-everything-that-moves gameplay is enough for me, but I can't help but be extremely annoyed by this whole prospect. Personally I'm surprised nobody else is mentioning this, but for the past two years or however long FFXIII has been in development we have been told that it will be a freaking PS3 exclusive, but today we are told it will come out for XBOX 360 also. This is a huge slap in the face to PS3 owners, I'm going to think that this whole multiplatform thing was on Square Enix's mind for a long time, so why didn't they just say from the beginning that FFXIII would be for the PS3 and 360? I would have had no problem with that. In fact that announcement probably would have created just as big of a media splash, as the current one did, but the fans wouldn't feel as betrayed. It just feels like we've been lied to for about a year or so by all the bastards who said FFXIII would be PS3 exclusive. They could have handled this better, why not for example release XIII a few months early on the PS3 like Unreal Tournament III, or like how Bioshock and the Orange Box were released on the 360 and then ported to the PS3. At least give the PS3 owners some gloating time... Oh well... MGS4 is probably going to the 360 next (at least PS3 owners got alot of time with that game before they loose it's exclusivity.)

AH but who gives a crap about final fantasy? The last one freaking sucked. I mean you could automate Final Fantasy XII so that it plays itself and all you have to do is watch it.. for like 30 hours. Seriously this was built into the game, somebody intentionally made the game like that. Mind boggling right?

2. Now for this Wii remote nonsense. NINTENDO WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! You have the balls to say that you are going to sell some shit to the customer to make your machine work like how it's intended. I hope to god that this will be some sort of free for all customers thing or something like that 'cause if it isn't I will shake my fist violently in your direction!! YOU HEAR ME NINTENDO?! I'M TYPING IN CAPS, THAT MEANS I'M ANGRY!!!! Bah maybe I'm just cranky because I didn't get much sleep thanks to the god damned raccoons that are living in my roof, or the freaking meth addict who lives in the appartment above me. I mean that guy just paces around all night till like 4 in the morning, and he freaking walks so god damned hard that he literally shakes the light fixtures in my ceiling. This ass-clown walks like a freaking four hundred pound bearded lady sitting in some sideshow who has to be wheeled around on a metal slab coated in grease, because if she took a step she would destroy the ground surrounding her. Gad every day this jackass is just walking around up there, he doesn't sit he's just pacing around like some ADD addled child who's all hopped up on nickel nips and pixie sticks. And then I have to think about all the freaking raccoons that are shitting and peeing in the god damned crawl space between our apartments. AND NOOO you can't get anyone to get rid of them because the maintenance dudes are all a bunch of morons who will just come into the house and randomly saw off parts of the ceiling so they can stick in a cage filled with sardines, that is only 50% effective at catching the god-damned raccoons. I got a better idea, just murder one raccoon and smear its blood all over the entrance way to the crawl space, that should settle the whole raccons in the attic thing... or maybe spray wolf urine up there... I hear that works also..

Oh well maybe this article will cheer me up.
Nah it didn't... :(

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Kudos to Rabbit man

I would just like to take a moment and give my congratulations to Rabbit-man for hosting probably one of the longest discussions on blogger. He attracts children with no lives like the pied piper of Hamelin attracts rats. For his vigor in undermining propaganda and defending human dignity, I award Rabbit-man the title Honorary Master-Lecturer and Critic of International Journalism. Your writing is much welcomed and valued. Continue the good work.

Let's all give a round of applause.