Hello and welcome to FNN headline news this is your host Rambo Cocksplosion. You all had better be strapped into your seat, because we have got an hour of news that’ll totally make you forget about last weeks show with the three car chases, the polygamist cult, and the baby shaking babysitter.
Rambo: We now go to our Field reporter Tom, who has an update on a grizzly accident discovered early today.
Tom: I’m here today on the scene of a gruesome skateboarding accident. Earlier today police found the body of Tobias Mallory, covered in lighter fluid in a ditch with three hunting knives in his back. According to his friends Tobias was practicing for a big skating trick at the local tournament to be held later this week.
Rambo: I hate to interrupt you Tom, but weren’t you supposed to interview the police chief?
Tom: Yeah that’s why he’s standing here right next to me, I was trying to build up to the interview with a clever segue, but I guess I’ll just start it now. Police chief Seamus O’Flannery how was your day?
O’Flannery: It was pretty good until I got to this accident here. Tis a shame really seeing these young kids dying in a bunch of accidents. Why just last week little Jimmy Cruise shot himself 15 times while chopping off both of his hands. Why do these kids feel the need to do all these extreme stunts?
Rambo: Uh Tom that was a terrible question. Why don’t you ask him something relevant.
Tom: Rambo you arrogant little shit I never took that crap from you when I was your boss and I’m not gonna take it now.
Rambo: Yeah you were a terrible manager for this network that’s why you got demoted to field reporter. Now you are a terrible field reporter. At least you’re consistent.
Tom: Well I’d like to see you come up with a good question when you have to smell the stench of some dead skateboarding clown Rambo.
Rambo: You were a terrible father too.
Tom: Yeah well I’m ashamed of you son.
O’Flannery: Can I leave now?
Rambo: We’re gonna take a quick break
Tom: Yeah that’s right run away from all your problems son, you’re just like your mother.
Segment 2 Marilyn Monroe sex tape:
Rambo: Well we just got some breaking news apparently a Marilyn Monroe sex tape has been discovered we brought in our Sex Tape expert to explain more.
Jacob Hume: Hi Rambo nice to be here.
Rambo: Well Jacob how is that sex tape do we get to see any boob?
Jacob: Oh yeah there’s tons of boob, there’s this guy, in the tape you never really see his face, but he’s got his shirt off the whole time. Fantastic I tell ya.
Rambo: I meant is Marilyn Monroe naked in this tape.
Jacob: No not really.
Rambo: Then why is it called a sex tape if we don’t get to see her naked?
Jacob: Well she might not be naked but she’s giving that naked guy the finest blow job I’ve ever seen. Good lord by my count it was fifteen minutes long. Just from my perspective she really gave the guy what he wanted. He could barely walk afterward. She was like a freaking vacuum cleaner.
Rambo: Some people seem to think the man in this video could have been former president John F. Kennedy.
Jacob: Just from my knowledge of penises it could very well be true. I mean that was a penis worthy of a president. Monroe really gave that thing a workout , if it was any normal man’s penis it would have surely fallen off.
Rambo: Thank you Jacob it’s been a pleasure.
Jacob: The pleasure’s all mine.
Segment 3 Your Children aren’t safe.
Rambo: we have a special report from our local correspondent Gustav Robertson on a problem affecting our local schools, and the solution one brave Arizona senator has suggested.
Robertson: Springvalley elementary school, a quiet place where children come to learn. Well last week the calm environment of the school was shattered, like a hand grenade baked into a wedding cake, as a deranged man dressed in a bear suit broke into the school and started slapping kids with what witnesses described as a rotting fish. The outcry against this incident was tremendous. How can we assure that this would never happen to our children again? Well Karen Johnson, a brave state senator from Arizona, had a solution. She proposed a bill that would allow kindergarten and up students to carry firearms on school campuses. Unfortunately the political quacks in the Arizona state senate amended the bill to only allow for college students to carry firearms. Now your children aren’t safe, because they don’t have firearms with which to protect themselves. Senator Johnson put it best when she said “I feel like our Kindergarteners are sitting there like sitting ducks.” Another way of keeping our children safe just thrown out the window, like an unwanted pregnancy on prom night. I don’t know about you Rambo, but I certainly will be worrying about my little one tonight.
Rambo: Damn fine reporting Robertson, Damn fine reporting.