Saturday, June 13, 2009

Fact V. Fiction

Ok let’s play a game. In this game I will describe a person to you and you will think of this person’s name in your head once you figure out the clues.
Clue 1 This person is a woman
Clue 2: This person is the governor of the largest state (geographically speaking) in the United States
Clue 3: This person has a daughter who got teen-pregnant.
Clue 4: This person likes to shoot at moose from a helicopter
Clue 5: This person does not understand jokes.
Ok I’m pretty sure most of you know who I am talking about by now, and since I don’t want to contribute to the continued publicity this woman seeks I won’t say her real name. Instead I’ll call this person Sally. Now recently David Letterman made a joke about Sally’s daughter that Sally seems to have misinterpreted. You see Sally is a firm supporter of the Bible specifically the part about going forth and multiplying, and Sally has several children including at least two daughters. David Letterman made a joke saying in a roundabout way that Alex Rodriguez had impregnated Sally’s 18 year old daughter (let’s call her Sally Jr.) at a recent baseball game. Apparently though Sally Jr. didn’t attend this baseball game, and in a shocking twist Sally Jr. Jr. went to the baseball game with Sally Sr. SALLY JR. JR. IS FOURTEEN!!!
This prompted Sally and her husband Todd to react in horror. Now anybody who knows Sally knows that she loves to parade around her kids in front of the “Mainstream media”, and the one kid that she has paraded around the most is Sally Jr. who as I have mentioned before got teen pregnant. Sally Jr. posed for the cover of a magazine and is about as close to being a household name as any promiscuous daughter of a politician can be. Naturally everyone who heard letterman’s joke assumed he was referencing Sally Jr. Not Sally though, because she doesn’t understand how jokes are made. A joke consists of many things, but most late night talk show hosts like David Letterman construct jokes by referencing two topical events and juxtaposing them in a humorous fashion. In this case the two topical events in question were Alex Rodriguez being promiscuous and Sally Jr. getting teen pregnant. Not exactly a great joke, but hey talk show hosts have to literally make hundreds of jokes a week; they can’t all be good.
Sally won’t shut up about this whole thing and is constantly talking about how letterman wants her fourteen year old to get raped. I mean you would think a mother would not want to talk about her underaged child getting hypothetically raped, but Sally and her Husband Todd are more than happy to shatter that thought, as long as they get national attention. Probably they will continue to humiliate Sally Jr. Jr. for as long as they can by continuing to imply that letterman’s joke was directed at Sally Jr. Jr. as long as somebody will report on it, in-spite of the fact that Letterman says that Sally Jr. is the target.
But Sally won't rest with just a joke that implies Sally Jr. Jr. is the target of the joke, so she had her publicist make a joke that explicitly names Sally Jr. Jr. as the target of a joke. From Sally's publicist

The (Sallys) have no intention of providing a rating’s boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show. Plus, it would be wise to keep (Sally Jr. Jr.) away from David Letterman.

Now Sally says that her joke isn't about David Letterman wanting to rape her fourteen year old. However, according to Sally's logic it doesn't matter what the originator of the joke intended, as long as you take the worst possible interpretation of the joke and yell it as loudly as you can.

Hey even Letterman is getting a piece of that pie, because the day after Sally started complaining about this event his show beat his rival the Tonight Show ( now with Conan O’Brien) for the first time in 8 months. Sally’s providing him with numerous hours of free advertising on many news segments, he probably couldn’t be happier with the free publicity. No the only loser in this Feud is Conan O’Brien. So please watch the tonight show with Conan O’Brien I beg of you!

No comments: