C is for Cookie, D is for Damnation, E is for Extinction

So for those of you who haven't obsessively kept up with all the developments from the Euphoric Eradication Exposition, or E3 I have some quick news.

1. Final Fantasy is no longer a PS3 exclusive

and

2. Apparently nintendo has introduced some kind of crap to make the wiimote work better

1. After reading this I find myself incredibly pissed off. This Final Fantasy XIII coming to the xbox 360 deal is a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. Now I have to say I really have nothing against the 360 hell I bought the 360 version of GTA 4, and I am eagerly awaiting the sequel for the virtual orgasmic alien rape simulator Mass Effect, because no amount of gratuitous banging-everything-that-moves gameplay is enough for me, but I can't help but be extremely annoyed by this whole prospect. Personally I'm surprised nobody else is mentioning this, but for the past two years or however long FFXIII has been in development we have been told that it will be a freaking PS3 exclusive, but today we are told it will come out for XBOX 360 also. This is a huge slap in the face to PS3 owners, I'm going to think that this whole multiplatform thing was on Square Enix's mind for a long time, so why didn't they just say from the beginning that FFXIII would be for the PS3 and 360? I would have had no problem with that. In fact that announcement probably would have created just as big of a media splash, as the current one did, but the fans wouldn't feel as betrayed. It just feels like we've been lied to for about a year or so by all the bastards who said FFXIII would be PS3 exclusive. They could have handled this better, why not for example release XIII a few months early on the PS3 like Unreal Tournament III, or like how Bioshock and the Orange Box were released on the 360 and then ported to the PS3. At least give the PS3 owners some gloating time... Oh well... MGS4 is probably going to the 360 next (at least PS3 owners got alot of time with that game before they loose it's exclusivity.)

AH but who gives a crap about final fantasy? The last one freaking sucked. I mean you could automate Final Fantasy XII so that it plays itself and all you have to do is watch it.. for like 30 hours. Seriously this was built into the game, somebody intentionally made the game like that. Mind boggling right?


2. Now for this Wii remote nonsense. NINTENDO WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! You have the balls to say that you are going to sell some shit to the customer to make your machine work like how it's intended. I hope to god that this will be some sort of free for all customers thing or something like that 'cause if it isn't I will shake my fist violently in your direction!! YOU HEAR ME NINTENDO?! I'M TYPING IN CAPS, THAT MEANS I'M ANGRY!!!! Bah maybe I'm just cranky because I didn't get much sleep thanks to the god damned raccoons that are living in my roof, or the freaking meth addict who lives in the appartment above me. I mean that guy just paces around all night till like 4 in the morning, and he freaking walks so god damned hard that he literally shakes the light fixtures in my ceiling. This ass-clown walks like a freaking four hundred pound bearded lady sitting in some sideshow who has to be wheeled around on a metal slab coated in grease, because if she took a step she would destroy the ground surrounding her. Gad every day this jackass is just walking around up there, he doesn't sit he's just pacing around like some ADD addled child who's all hopped up on nickel nips and pixie sticks. And then I have to think about all the freaking raccoons that are shitting and peeing in the god damned crawl space between our apartments. AND NOOO you can't get anyone to get rid of them because the maintenance dudes are all a bunch of morons who will just come into the house and randomly saw off parts of the ceiling so they can stick in a cage filled with sardines, that is only 50% effective at catching the god-damned raccoons. I got a better idea, just murder one raccoon and smear its blood all over the entrance way to the crawl space, that should settle the whole raccons in the attic thing... or maybe spray wolf urine up there... I hear that works also..

Oh well maybe this article will cheer me up.
Nah it didn't... :(

Rabbit-man Manifesto

Arrogance is a common folly of professional bloggers like me. Essentially we are translating the events of the world into easy to process segments so that you the proletariat may have a chance, however small, of understanding what’s going on around you. Blogging is a thankless job that leads to long hours and intense loneliness, and the only rational compensation one can seek through blogging is a false sense of superiority. One of my countless responsibilities is to remain constantly vigilant, so that my columns do not dissolve into a virtual pissing contest between me, myself, and I. So I have decided to expunge all the false arrogance I can muster into one column. You lucky bastards are reading that column right now.

Please enjoy a list of fictional characters that I could totally beat up. First I think I should add that these fights wouldn’t be a straight up fistfight, I would be bringing my trademark weapon, a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through the end, to counter my lack of physical strength, and to add even more range to my long wiry arms. Now let the listing commence.

1. Mario, Mario: This video game icon has starred in numerous games, which the nerds at Wikipedia have numbered to around 200. So why do I think I could beat up this asshat? Well I’m getting to that point right now. Let’s look at the facts: the story of the Mario games revolves around an obese plumber who takes a trip to the mushroom kingdom to rescue a princess from a dragon, while eating magic mushrooms that give him super powers. Nintendo got two things right, one that Mario is an obese plumber and two that he is tripping out on magic mushrooms, or shrooms as my gang friends might call them. I wouldn’t even need my awesome bat to beat up a barely conscious plumber.

2. Bambi: Now I realize some of you may be horrified by my inclusion of Bambi on this list, but let me reassure you when I imagine fighting Bambi I don’t imagine fighting the cute little deer, and his animal friends, I usually have a certain scenario in my mind. You see in my mind Bambi has been infected with a particularly violent strain of rabies, and has taken to terrorizing a small town. Eventually I am called in by the town leadership with the promise of two comely lasses if I am able to rid the town of this beast. Now since this fight is part biological warfare, I would probably wear a mask or maybe some goggles to protect against infection. When I eventually confront Bambi and he lunges in to attack me, I would whack him with my bat, and hopefully since he is so small and adorable he will go down in one hit. If not I will just repeat the process.

3. Fred Flintstone: This would probably be my greatest battle, I mean have you seen him power that car with his massively powerful legs. However, Fred Flintstone has one notable weakness, he is especially susceptible to concussions. I mean have you seen any episode of the flintstones, he gets hit on the head by a bowling ball or a rock every other episode, and as everyone knows it’s easier to get a concussion when you have already have had one. I would have to do my best to avoid his crazy Neanderthal strength, by keeping far away, and bash him on the head whenever I get a chance. I’m pretty sure one decent hit would put him down for the count.

Also I'd like to extend a warm welcome to our new colleague "sheep rapist", I think you'll fit right in.