Thursday, March 20, 2008

Rabbit-man Manifesto

Arrogance is a common folly of professional bloggers like me. Essentially we are translating the events of the world into easy to process segments so that you the proletariat may have a chance, however small, of understanding what’s going on around you. Blogging is a thankless job that leads to long hours and intense loneliness, and the only rational compensation one can seek through blogging is a false sense of superiority. One of my countless responsibilities is to remain constantly vigilant, so that my columns do not dissolve into a virtual pissing contest between me, myself, and I. So I have decided to expunge all the false arrogance I can muster into one column. You lucky bastards are reading that column right now.

Please enjoy a list of fictional characters that I could totally beat up. First I think I should add that these fights wouldn’t be a straight up fistfight, I would be bringing my trademark weapon, a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through the end, to counter my lack of physical strength, and to add even more range to my long wiry arms. Now let the listing commence.

1. Mario, Mario: This video game icon has starred in numerous games, which the nerds at Wikipedia have numbered to around 200. So why do I think I could beat up this asshat? Well I’m getting to that point right now. Let’s look at the facts: the story of the Mario games revolves around an obese plumber who takes a trip to the mushroom kingdom to rescue a princess from a dragon, while eating magic mushrooms that give him super powers. Nintendo got two things right, one that Mario is an obese plumber and two that he is tripping out on magic mushrooms, or shrooms as my gang friends might call them. I wouldn’t even need my awesome bat to beat up a barely conscious plumber.

2. Bambi: Now I realize some of you may be horrified by my inclusion of Bambi on this list, but let me reassure you when I imagine fighting Bambi I don’t imagine fighting the cute little deer, and his animal friends, I usually have a certain scenario in my mind. You see in my mind Bambi has been infected with a particularly violent strain of rabies, and has taken to terrorizing a small town. Eventually I am called in by the town leadership with the promise of two comely lasses if I am able to rid the town of this beast. Now since this fight is part biological warfare, I would probably wear a mask or maybe some goggles to protect against infection. When I eventually confront Bambi and he lunges in to attack me, I would whack him with my bat, and hopefully since he is so small and adorable he will go down in one hit. If not I will just repeat the process.

3. Fred Flintstone: This would probably be my greatest battle, I mean have you seen him power that car with his massively powerful legs. However, Fred Flintstone has one notable weakness, he is especially susceptible to concussions. I mean have you seen any episode of the flintstones, he gets hit on the head by a bowling ball or a rock every other episode, and as everyone knows it’s easier to get a concussion when you have already have had one. I would have to do my best to avoid his crazy Neanderthal strength, by keeping far away, and bash him on the head whenever I get a chance. I’m pretty sure one decent hit would put him down for the count.

Also I'd like to extend a warm welcome to our new colleague "sheep rapist", I think you'll fit right in.


vicious dreamer said...

Excellent article for a blogger with grotesquely elongated ear and uncontrolled facial hair and dental growth. But you have made a fatal error when you incorrectly designated the taxonomic classification of Fred Flintstone. He is in fact, considered to be not a Neanderthal, but rather a Cro-Magnon.

Rabbit-man said...

Vicious Dreamer you are still alive, I thought that car bomb would have surely killed you. And that explosive sandwich didn't get you either? Oh well the bodies were a little too burned for me to tell who they were.
Never mind that, I see you have questioned my knowledge of the flintstones, Now that is a fatal error. Have you noticed that both neanderthals, and the flintstones use stone tools? Let's see your beloved cromagnons do that! Do you even have any proof to back up your erroneous claim?

vicious dreamer said...

You did nothing to kill me. You are just making it all up you sad sad buck toothed girl.
But anyway, you are the one with an errorneous claim. Tsk tsk. You can tell from their use of fully developped syntax, auxillary verb that they had sophisticated communicative skills, which Neanderthals did not possess. And cromagnons did use flint as tools too. Now what to do you have to say?

Rabbit-man said...

I have to say you are stupid and I loathe you! Hah I'm winning this argument.

But you are wrong the neanderthals could speak, and even had a primitive language, they even had the same strain of DNA that encodes language that we have now. Neanderthals could build shelters, they used stone tools. Neanderthals used spears and clubs, I mean Fred used a club all the time.
Who cares about a flint? Stone tools are where it's at, the neanderthals, and the flintstones knew that.

vicious dreamer said...

Excuse me? When did I ever say that neanderthals can't speak at all? I said they can't speak in a sophisticated language like the Flintstones. Do you think Neanderthals could come up with catchy phrases like "Yabah da ba doo" and "Wiiiiilllma! Make me a sammich!"? No! So that makes you the stupid one, stupid. After all, you're the one with a 12g brain. No really. Rabbits do. You can look it up.
And Fred Flintstone used a freaking tv remote made of stone!!

Rabbit-man said...

Ooh look at me I'm vicious dreamer I had a nightmare, and I'm letting everyone know about it. Waaah! Waah!

I wonder what the christians would think about the flintstones, I mean it shows man coexisting with dinosaurs, which is something they like, but they are also clearly different from present day humans, so they advocate evolution.

Also you are completely wrong, the flintstones is merely a translation of the gutteral sounds that fred and wilma make. THe show is in fact a dub of the grunts and howls that fred and co. are making. They said it in the first episode, stupid!

vicious dreamer said...

Now you're just making stuff up. I hate it when people try to argue their ass in with invalid, and fictional points. They never said Flintstones is a translation in the first episode or any of the episode at all, idiot.
The lack of ridged eyebrow and his relatively long facial feature further proves that he is a cromagnon and not neanderthal, which do not possess any of those trait.
And don't try to change the subject with "I wonder what christians would think" crap. Oooh look at me, I'm Rabbit-man and I enjoy making up inane comments and waste my days in front of a computer. Waaa Waaah.

C.S. Lewis said...

I assue you both, the christians are oblivious to the matter of validity regarding the Flinstones

Rabbit-man said...

I'm sorry I should have said creationists that is a more applicable term.