Arrogance is a common folly of professional bloggers like me. Essentially we are translating the events of the world into easy to process segments so that you the proletariat may have a chance, however small, of understanding what’s going on around you. Blogging is a thankless job that leads to long hours and intense loneliness, and the only rational compensation one can seek through blogging is a false sense of superiority. One of my countless responsibilities is to remain constantly vigilant, so that my columns do not dissolve into a virtual pissing contest between me, myself, and I. So I have decided to expunge all the false arrogance I can muster into one column. You lucky bastards are reading that column right now.
Please enjoy a list of fictional characters that I could totally beat up. First I think I should add that these fights wouldn’t be a straight up fistfight, I would be bringing my trademark weapon, a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through the end, to counter my lack of physical strength, and to add even more range to my long wiry arms. Now let the listing commence.
1. Mario, Mario: This video game icon has starred in numerous games, which the nerds at Wikipedia have numbered to around 200. So why do I think I could beat up this asshat? Well I’m getting to that point right now. Let’s look at the facts: the story of the Mario games revolves around an obese plumber who takes a trip to the mushroom kingdom to rescue a princess from a dragon, while eating magic mushrooms that give him super powers. Nintendo got two things right, one that Mario is an obese plumber and two that he is tripping out on magic mushrooms, or shrooms as my gang friends might call them. I wouldn’t even need my awesome bat to beat up a barely conscious plumber.
2. Bambi: Now I realize some of you may be horrified by my inclusion of Bambi on this list, but let me reassure you when I imagine fighting Bambi I don’t imagine fighting the cute little deer, and his animal friends, I usually have a certain scenario in my mind. You see in my mind Bambi has been infected with a particularly violent strain of rabies, and has taken to terrorizing a small town. Eventually I am called in by the town leadership with the promise of two comely lasses if I am able to rid the town of this beast. Now since this fight is part biological warfare, I would probably wear a mask or maybe some goggles to protect against infection. When I eventually confront Bambi and he lunges in to attack me, I would whack him with my bat, and hopefully since he is so small and adorable he will go down in one hit. If not I will just repeat the process.
3. Fred Flintstone: This would probably be my greatest battle, I mean have you seen him power that car with his massively powerful legs. However, Fred Flintstone has one notable weakness, he is especially susceptible to concussions. I mean have you seen any episode of the flintstones, he gets hit on the head by a bowling ball or a rock every other episode, and as everyone knows it’s easier to get a concussion when you have already have had one. I would have to do my best to avoid his crazy Neanderthal strength, by keeping far away, and bash him on the head whenever I get a chance. I’m pretty sure one decent hit would put him down for the count.
Also I'd like to extend a warm welcome to our new colleague "sheep rapist", I think you'll fit right in.