Let me walk you through the last few minutes of your life. First you set your computer to internet, after a few minutes of checking your favorite sites you somehow came across this blog, a blog that has been a barren wasteland for the past year. Just as you are about to leave you notice something. Here are your exact thoughts: “What is this? A new post on the fifth column/element of surprise blog! Is it Christmas already? No wait Christmas alone can’t be special enough for something like this, maybe it’s my birthday too! Awesome I get presents now!!!”
Well let me tell you something: it ain’t Christmas, and it certainly isn’t your birthday. (Unless if it is Christmas, and your birthday, but there’s like a 1 in 48,000,000 chance of that happening, so the odds are in my favor puny humans. MOO HOO HA HA!!!) Point is neither you nor Jesus was born today, and instead today is special, because I am bringing the fifth column back into style (just like I did with laser tag). To begin the festivities I am going to write about X-men comics, specifically Grant Morrison’s recent take on the x-men. Surely you’ve seen me allude to it before, I think I titled one of my blogs with the name of a story-arc from his new x-men run, and I’ve been dying to encapsulate my thoughts on what he did over the 50 issues of new x-men that he wrote. But I ain’t going to review fifty comics in one post, that would be insane… “right?”
“Yes Rabbit-man that would be insane”
“Thanks Rabbit-man that would be very insane of me to do!”
“Yeah I know I already said that stop repeating yourself”
“Good show you always were quick to catch on to the metatextual jokes weren’t you”
“Yes now shut up, and start writing”
First and foremost I think I should present a brief history of the man who wrote these comics Grant Morrison: aka King Mob, aka The God of Comics. Basically from what I can tell Morrison pretty much lived the life of a straight edge until he reached his thirties at which point he decided to do every drug he could get his hands on. Also he was abducted by aliens in Katmandu. Yeah you read that right, the dude either was or thinks he was abducted by freaking aliens. He also lived as a transvestite for a little while, and basically came up with the idea for the matrix movies at least three years before the first matrix premiered. God forbid, If his life was ever translated into a biopic movie, it would probably win all the Oscars in the world. Needless to say he is either crazy, or everybody but him is insane, and if there is one thing that’s true about writers it’s that the crazier they are the better their work. I mean look at Kafka, or even Emily Dickinson, the both of them obviously had some debilitating self doubt issues, and how about Hunter S. Thompson, or Shakespeare. Ok I don’t know if Shakespeare was crazy, but could a sane person make up as many words as him? I don’t think so. Dude made up like half the freaking English language. He was probably plotting to take over the world too, all he would have to do is get everyone to talk with his words, and then he could control their thoughts. Straight out of 1984 I tells ya. Thank god he died of (quick break to check wikipedia) unknown causes… UNKNOWN CAUSES!?!? What the fuck, the dude invented half the freaking language, and we don’t know how he died. What have historians been doing? JEEZ!
Ok this column ran long, and I didn’t get to reviewing x-men, but don’t worry I’m gonna do it soon. Think of this as the precursor, and next post will be full of x-meny goodness, and wolverine too. Yeah Wolverine. (Actually BOO Wolverine, his movie sucked ass. I mean they screwed up deadpool big time. I guess I can rant about that some other time though.)
NEXT GRANT MORRISON’S WORK ON NEW X-MEN: REVIEWED!?