Why we must not dislike the People’s Republic of China, BUT HATE, DESPISE, AND ABHOR THE BASTARDS

Whatever acclaims China received for its contribution to civilization millenniums ago has been completely obliterated by its barbarous acts today. In showing sympathy to the victims of the earthquake, one must not forget that we should be crossing our fingers for the imminent collapse of the People’s Republic.

It stands as a lasting pain in my side to see Beijing go unpunished after what they had done to one of the greatest acts of civil disobedience, paralleling Gandhi’s salt march and the student movements of 1968. Tiananmen Square must be forever remembered when we watch the gleeful bastards of the Chinese communist party welcoming the Olympic torch to Beijing. Hiding behind their façade of economic development is the odious reality of worker’s abuse (even those in the state sector), largest detainment of political prisoners in the world, greatest number of executions in the world, inhumane and repressive measures upon the rural peasantry, forced abortions, etc etc etc. The Chinese government has shown a complete disregard for human life and dignity.

While certain repressions in the name of economic development in the past saw productive growth in both economic and civil liberties (like in post-1973 Chile where it was economically stable and the people voted in a referendum to remove Pinochet) China despite having incredible economic growth saw an even more incredible and highly disturbing descent of civil liberties.

The Chinese government is reprehensible and the athletes competing in the Beijing Olympics must recognize that their representation bolsters the legitimacy of human rights violators. Athletes must take responsibility for their symbolic role in the global community and show support for justice grounded in the preservation of life not the absurdity practiced by the Chinese government.

However, it is not enough to decapitate the government, its people must act in accordance to what they started in the Tiananmen Square. While the events at Tiananmen Square continues to inspire else where around the world, the Chinese themselves are forgetting their place in the humane world. The toy recall scandal and unsanitary food packaging methods are obviously the tip of the iceberg and this constant desire to cheat the world is driving our patience thin. A nation of people who do not practice its own philosophy of compassion and human care does not deserve to be recognized as equals. I am especially pissed at the Chinese students in Seoul who attacked an elderly Korean man for speaking his mind in support of freedom and justice. Those ungrateful reactionary idiots that piss on the legacy of Tiananmen Square should be ashamed. SHAME, POPPY SHAME, YOU FOOLS THAT WAVE YOUR CHINESE FLAGS AND ACT LIKE CLOWN FOR THE PEOPLE THAT WANT TO TURN YOU INTO SUBMISSIVE PEONS!!!

Regardless, the first step is to cut off the head of the beast and put in on display. The best part is that the United States or any major power in the world does not have to obliterate the farce of the armed force that is the People’s Liberation Army, but watch the country disintegrate from within. I applaud the incompetence that will hinder the preparation of the Olympic infrastructure, the Free Tibet supporters throughout the world, Xinjiang insurgents that are doing their best to derail the whole process, and the rural Chinese peasants who are tired of dealing with all the shit and are surging against the Chinese government.

I encourage the Olympic athletes not to refuse the competition, but rather follow in the footsteps of Tommie Smith and John Carlos from the 1968 Olympics who raised their fists and saluted the world as dignified people acting with a conscience. Support Tibetans in their struggle to rid themselves of their oppressors, for the summer of 2008 is a stage for athletes who have the opportunity to inspire the world with not only their physical stamina, but their courage and conscience. China is undoubtedly, blatantly using the Olympics as a political tool and must be beaten. I will cheer on the athletes of the world who will crush their Chinese competitors and humiliate the communist party. The stage is almost set, let us enjoy the beginning of the end of the People’s Republic of China!

Rabbit-man's guide to reviewing

Hello kids it’s me your uncle rabbit-man, and I’m here to lecture you all on the process of writing a review! I know you all are disappointed that I have abandoned my classic blog post structure of a paragraph justifying an insane rant, followed by an insane rant, but just like an insane homeless man without a recent acid trip to describe, I can’t think of a rant today. So instead I am going to discuss the process of writing a review. I promise it will hurt less than being eaten to death by a herd of ravenous puppies.

Alright if you are going to write a review you must make an important choice before you even put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, or piss to snow, whatever the analogy is these days, and that choice is whether you will write a review with a numeric score, or grade at the end or not. Now both of these methods have their advantages and disadvantages, for example writing a review with a grade will allow you to simply rant about whatever you want as long as it is tangentially related to the subject matter, and you can just put a grade at the end to tell the reader what you meant. This also has a drawback, because most readers are either smart, busy, or illiterate, and will simply skip to your score and ignore the rest of your review. The flipside of this choice is writing a review without attaching a score, when writing one of these you must be careful to make sure that you convey a judgment on the subject that you are reviewing since you don’t have the luxury of just writing a score. Naturally not including a score will force those lazy bastards who read your reviews to actually read your review.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way let’s get to the next most important part of writing a review, coming up with an opening line. In today’s society of fast food, 24 hour news, and instantaneous access to internet porn, people do not have the attention span to read a long review about any subject, and the first line is probably the only thing that many readers will read in your review. In other words take care to write this it will literally make or break your review. Fortunately writing a first line is easy: just make a vague and generic observation about the subject “The conflict of profiting off of war, is explored through the lens of a superhero origin story in the summer’s first true blockbuster Iron Man.” Feel free to describe the plot of what you are reviewing, if there is one, but just make sure that whatever you are saying is vague. The first line has to be vague because you want to confuse the reader into reading more of your writing. Another method of doing this could be to use a question. Normally “who would have thought…” works pretty well, like “Who would have thought that an asshole could be so entertaining to watch?” and then write your review.

Now you get to the meat and potatoes of your review the part where you judge something. Now let me tell you judging stuff is fun, there’s no better way to make yourself feel good than putting something down. Next time you find out that your pet fluffly died make fun of some little kid’s drawing, or next time you find out that your track time doesn’t qualify you for the special Olympics, make fun of a little kid’s sandcastle. Don’t you feel better? It’s pretty much the same thing with reviewing. Think, if you get that much joy out of making fun of a small child how much more joy will you get when you make fun of a $100 million dollar movie? Now I know what you are thinking “Rabbit-man reviews aren’t always negative, critics do write a lot of positive reviews.” Which brings me to my next point: If you are going to write a positive review, write it so that you get your name on the movie poster or DVD cover. Just put in a bunch of sentences that end in exclamation points like “Iron man is a laugh a minute thrill ride of intense pleasure!!!” or “I count two moments in my life as my happiest my marriage, and the birth of my son, and the two hours I spent watching Iron man has surpassed both of them!!” or the classic “Iron man is better than sex!!!” See it’s easy, and if the movie is particularly bad like Uwe Boll’s In the name of a king a dungeon siege tale, then you can write a glowing review and know that your quote will make it on the DVD for sure, seriously there was only like one good review for that movie.

So I have now taught you dear reader everything that I know about reviewing. Be sure to use your powers for good, and never stray from the righteous path I have outlined for you. Oh and I actually wrote this article so I could review Iron man but I got a little bit side tracked. Yeah it was a good movie, but the ending fight kind of sucked, the movie would have been better if it just focused on Tony Stark, and not Iron man. I give it 11331 points.

Behold. It's a hollow, hollow world

Hello, good evening, good morning, depending on whatever place you are reading from, which I can't really give a damn about. I haven't written a post for some time now so my writing is rusty. This certainly will not be your best reading experience, but then again, what internet literature has? You'll probably feel slight discomfort, an itch in the lower rectal region, and in some cases, severe onset of boredom. If symptoms persist, then stop reading you dumbass.

Consider this scenario: After a failed pathetic concert of yours, you walk out the back stage with your head hanging low, more lifeless than a flaccid manhose at a beach full of really wrinkled nuns, and you are greeted by your family and friends outside."That was great performance!""Good job""Nice""Don't worry, you did well"These are often the words you hear followed by a hug of comfort. But you immediately notice that their faces have no heart and the words carry no authenticity. You stand there, gritting your teeth, feeling the lifeless arms wrap around, and secretly swearing inside that you will hideously butcher these people someday for the heart-piercing lies. LIES! LIES!!! Words of deceit and hypocrisy. And even if you didn't notice then, you figure out later and try to reconcile with the repressed blinding rage by repeated fist motion directed against the wall. This sound like a familiar situation to you? Yes? Then skip the next column.

What? No? Then you're either A) a social recluse who never interacted with the outside world, B) A 1 yr old baby or C) a complete idiot because everybody has had these hollow praises sometime in their lifetime.

That's right, the world is full of these hollow empty gestures. Cashiers saying "have a nice day" at 11:59 PM, someone you barely know saying "how you been?", and waiters coming up to ask "Is everything all right?". One of the notorious and horrible breeding ground for these kind of people exists in this world, by the name of Facebook. Its pokes and superpokes and mindless "wHatz up? Lol :D" are widely tolerated in its realm, even though people just do it to get attention for themselves. (If I were to go fully into detail about Facepig, the article length would triple so I'll write about it someday later. I guess. Anway...)No, these people couldn't care less about what you have been up to or how your life is accomodated. You think I'm lying? Then try this for a change. Say something that they wouldn't expect. Instead of "Have a nice day" "You too", say "You dont' mean that". Instead of "How you been?" "Good", say "Bad." Instead of "Is everything all right?" "Yes", say "No". Most likely their facial fiture will vomit a look of disgust because they realized that they are left with two choices of either revealing their apathy and walk off, or grin like lobotomized pet dog, and listen to something they sincerely don't care about.

Damn this planet lacking genuine gestures, with its insincere inhabitants with empty etiquette. Where did the heart go? Is this why nobody cared when Kitty died? And it's generally accepted under the rug by the society too, which makes things so bad. If hidden hollowness is accepted, then I claim that obvioussincerety should be used as countermeasure.

"That was a great show!""Thanks for lying straight into my face! I'll take note of that when I get my guns tomorrow"

"Have a nice day!""Not anymore since you just lied!"

"How you been?""You're just saying that so you'll feel morally self satisfied!"

At this point now you might probably be thinking, "well gee-whiz. This here fella sure is dumb cause everybody knows this". Unfortunately, some people don't. "So yer writing this to the world?" No, it's not like many people read this blog anyway. "What? Then heck, why?" I'm just venting my rage dammit. Leave me alone. Great, now I feel worse because of you stupid reader and your stupid questions. I'm gonna sleep.

How to be a TV Producer

In the TV industry it is common for writers to take an idea that worked in the previous television season and make a new spin on it for the new season. Usually this ends up with a bunch of crappy rip-offs of a successful show like Lost or Desperate Houswives cluttering the airwaves, but sometimes really good shows come around. For example Lost made producers realize that people like serialized mystery shows that have a large cast of different characters connected by some chance circumstance, and Heroes the was born (except this wasn't good because Heroes sucks). Heroes made producers realize that the public likes shows about people who have magic powers, and the fantastically awesome Pushing Daisies was born!! Now I could be a pessimist and question whether the awesomeness of Pushing Daisies justifies all the crappy rip-offs of Lost, but I won’t because I’m getting off topic. Recently with the success of Battlestar Galactica Television writers have begun to think that making gritty versions of beloved shows from yesteryear is a good idea. This concept has led to crappy shows like Bionic Woman and Nightrider.

Well now I’ve come up with a great twist on a beloved classic from yesteryear. I call it: SMURFS 2000, and here is my pitch for this gritty action packed new show.

One sentence pitch: Terrence Jacobson is a cult deprogrammer sent by the government to assess a local community that has sprung up in the mountains near a rural village.

Pitch that I would give to a studio executive: It’s like Battlestar Galactica but with smurfs!!!

Main Characters:

Terrence Jacobson: A psychiatrist who specializes in deprogramming individuals from cults. He is a 30 something individual, who has no actual field experience to speak of essentially this mission is his first interaction with an actual cult since he completed his education.

Robert Douglas: A body guard with a dark and shady past sent to accompany Jacobson on his mission. His philosophy is to get the job done no matter the consequences, but after a few episodes the audience will discover that he’s actually a kind hearted person. He is about 40 years old

Papa: The enigmatic leader of the S.M.U.R.F. community. What are his motivations? Can he be trusted? He is in his late 50s

Codename Smurfette: A femme fatale sent in by the government after the events of the first story-arc. She serves as a love interest for Jacobson, because we need a romance in this show to get the women to watch. Cast an attractive 20 something actress for this role.

Jokey: The leader of the resistance movement that has sprung up against Papa. He plants bombs around the village that look like presents. We can make it a commentary on American Materialism or something. He hates god for some reason.

Story-arcs

Introduction (Will take place over the course of the first three episodes)
Terrence Jacobson, and Douglas enter the village, but before Jacobson can meet with Papa a bomb explodes killing his government escort. When Papa tells Jacobson and Douglas that the bombing was the work of a terrorist named Jokey, Douglas heads off to hunt him down, and Jacobson must convince his superiors in the government not to destroy the entire community for attacking their men.

Second Story Arc (Will take place over the next three to four episodes)
Codename Smurfette is dispatched to the village to act as a spy for the government, and to observe the progress Jacobson is making. Meanwhile during interrogation Jokey reveals that his followers have hidden several more bombs around the community. After Douglas is injured saving Jacobson from a bomb, Jacobson and Codename smurfette must team up to find the rest of Jokey’s followers.

Third Story Arc: (Six episodes)
Jokey is taken away to be tried by a military tribunal, and Jacobson begins his job of interviewing the community members. Jokey’s trial is covered, and he tries to cut a deal with the military by offering them information on the inner workings of the S.M.U.R.F. community. Meanwhile Douglas begins to suspect that the nurses are trying to kill him in the S.M.U.R.F. hospital, and Jacobson becomes the target of an assassin who believes that the government wants to destroy the community.

Your Children Aren't Safe

Hello and welcome to FNN headline news this is your host Rambo Cocksplosion. You all had better be strapped into your seat, because we have got an hour of news that’ll totally make you forget about last weeks show with the three car chases, the polygamist cult, and the baby shaking babysitter.

Rambo: We now go to our Field reporter Tom, who has an update on a grizzly accident discovered early today.
Tom: I’m here today on the scene of a gruesome skateboarding accident. Earlier today police found the body of Tobias Mallory, covered in lighter fluid in a ditch with three hunting knives in his back. According to his friends Tobias was practicing for a big skating trick at the local tournament to be held later this week.
Rambo: I hate to interrupt you Tom, but weren’t you supposed to interview the police chief?
Tom: Yeah that’s why he’s standing here right next to me, I was trying to build up to the interview with a clever segue, but I guess I’ll just start it now. Police chief Seamus O’Flannery how was your day?
O’Flannery: It was pretty good until I got to this accident here. Tis a shame really seeing these young kids dying in a bunch of accidents. Why just last week little Jimmy Cruise shot himself 15 times while chopping off both of his hands. Why do these kids feel the need to do all these extreme stunts?
Rambo: Uh Tom that was a terrible question. Why don’t you ask him something relevant.
Tom: Rambo you arrogant little shit I never took that crap from you when I was your boss and I’m not gonna take it now.
Rambo: Yeah you were a terrible manager for this network that’s why you got demoted to field reporter. Now you are a terrible field reporter. At least you’re consistent.
Tom: Well I’d like to see you come up with a good question when you have to smell the stench of some dead skateboarding clown Rambo.
Rambo: You were a terrible father too.
Tom: Yeah well I’m ashamed of you son.
O’Flannery: Can I leave now?
Rambo: We’re gonna take a quick break
Tom: Yeah that’s right run away from all your problems son, you’re just like your mother.

Segment 2 Marilyn Monroe sex tape:
Rambo: Well we just got some breaking news apparently a Marilyn Monroe sex tape has been discovered we brought in our Sex Tape expert to explain more.
Jacob Hume: Hi Rambo nice to be here.
Rambo: Well Jacob how is that sex tape do we get to see any boob?
Jacob: Oh yeah there’s tons of boob, there’s this guy, in the tape you never really see his face, but he’s got his shirt off the whole time. Fantastic I tell ya.
Rambo: I meant is Marilyn Monroe naked in this tape.
Jacob: No not really.
Rambo: Then why is it called a sex tape if we don’t get to see her naked?
Jacob: Well she might not be naked but she’s giving that naked guy the finest blow job I’ve ever seen. Good lord by my count it was fifteen minutes long. Just from my perspective she really gave the guy what he wanted. He could barely walk afterward. She was like a freaking vacuum cleaner.
Rambo: Some people seem to think the man in this video could have been former president John F. Kennedy.
Jacob: Just from my knowledge of penises it could very well be true. I mean that was a penis worthy of a president. Monroe really gave that thing a workout , if it was any normal man’s penis it would have surely fallen off.
Rambo: Thank you Jacob it’s been a pleasure.
Jacob: The pleasure’s all mine.

Segment 3 Your Children aren’t safe.
Rambo: we have a special report from our local correspondent Gustav Robertson on a problem affecting our local schools, and the solution one brave Arizona senator has suggested.
Robertson: Springvalley elementary school, a quiet place where children come to learn. Well last week the calm environment of the school was shattered, like a hand grenade baked into a wedding cake, as a deranged man dressed in a bear suit broke into the school and started slapping kids with what witnesses described as a rotting fish. The outcry against this incident was tremendous. How can we assure that this would never happen to our children again? Well Karen Johnson, a brave state senator from Arizona, had a solution. She proposed a bill that would allow kindergarten and up students to carry firearms on school campuses. Unfortunately the political quacks in the Arizona state senate amended the bill to only allow for college students to carry firearms. Now your children aren’t safe, because they don’t have firearms with which to protect themselves. Senator Johnson put it best when she said “I feel like our Kindergarteners are sitting there like sitting ducks.” Another way of keeping our children safe just thrown out the window, like an unwanted pregnancy on prom night. I don’t know about you Rambo, but I certainly will be worrying about my little one tonight.
Rambo: Damn fine reporting Robertson, Damn fine reporting.

Discuss!!

This may be a little old, or obvious to everyone but me, but I’d like to possibly contribute something of worth to this blog, so here is a topic we could discuss in these here comments section. Some people view the increased rivalry between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama as a sign that the democratic party is imploding, is this assumption true?
There could be an unforeseen benefit to this, namely that Clinton and Obama are doing so much to dig up dirt on each other that the republicans will have trouble coming up with slander against whichever one prevails. We all know that the American public has a relatively short memory of current events, so when Mccain brings up about how Obama’s pastor is crazy, or how Hillary Clinton has a tendency to forget whether or not she was shot at, people will say “That’s old, we want something new and sexy!”
What do you think audience? Could this be a blessing in disguise to the Democrats? Is this point that I made hugely obvious, and am I waisting your time here? Discuss friends! Discuss!

Also big news apparently Oliver Stone is making a movie about George W Bush called "W". Here is the cast list http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2008-03-27-stone-bush-movie_N.htm#discov

HAH funny the guy who is playing Bush is the evil doctor from Planet Terror. : )
Everybody vote for Chuck Norris to play Dick Cheney at that link, that will make "W" ten times more badass.

Rabbit-man Manifesto

Arrogance is a common folly of professional bloggers like me. Essentially we are translating the events of the world into easy to process segments so that you the proletariat may have a chance, however small, of understanding what’s going on around you. Blogging is a thankless job that leads to long hours and intense loneliness, and the only rational compensation one can seek through blogging is a false sense of superiority. One of my countless responsibilities is to remain constantly vigilant, so that my columns do not dissolve into a virtual pissing contest between me, myself, and I. So I have decided to expunge all the false arrogance I can muster into one column. You lucky bastards are reading that column right now.

Please enjoy a list of fictional characters that I could totally beat up. First I think I should add that these fights wouldn’t be a straight up fistfight, I would be bringing my trademark weapon, a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through the end, to counter my lack of physical strength, and to add even more range to my long wiry arms. Now let the listing commence.

1. Mario, Mario: This video game icon has starred in numerous games, which the nerds at Wikipedia have numbered to around 200. So why do I think I could beat up this asshat? Well I’m getting to that point right now. Let’s look at the facts: the story of the Mario games revolves around an obese plumber who takes a trip to the mushroom kingdom to rescue a princess from a dragon, while eating magic mushrooms that give him super powers. Nintendo got two things right, one that Mario is an obese plumber and two that he is tripping out on magic mushrooms, or shrooms as my gang friends might call them. I wouldn’t even need my awesome bat to beat up a barely conscious plumber.

2. Bambi: Now I realize some of you may be horrified by my inclusion of Bambi on this list, but let me reassure you when I imagine fighting Bambi I don’t imagine fighting the cute little deer, and his animal friends, I usually have a certain scenario in my mind. You see in my mind Bambi has been infected with a particularly violent strain of rabies, and has taken to terrorizing a small town. Eventually I am called in by the town leadership with the promise of two comely lasses if I am able to rid the town of this beast. Now since this fight is part biological warfare, I would probably wear a mask or maybe some goggles to protect against infection. When I eventually confront Bambi and he lunges in to attack me, I would whack him with my bat, and hopefully since he is so small and adorable he will go down in one hit. If not I will just repeat the process.

3. Fred Flintstone: This would probably be my greatest battle, I mean have you seen him power that car with his massively powerful legs. However, Fred Flintstone has one notable weakness, he is especially susceptible to concussions. I mean have you seen any episode of the flintstones, he gets hit on the head by a bowling ball or a rock every other episode, and as everyone knows it’s easier to get a concussion when you have already have had one. I would have to do my best to avoid his crazy Neanderthal strength, by keeping far away, and bash him on the head whenever I get a chance. I’m pretty sure one decent hit would put him down for the count.

Also I'd like to extend a warm welcome to our new colleague "sheep rapist", I think you'll fit right in.

Gnome

Spend the years of learning squandering
Courage for the years of wandering
Through a world politely turning
From the loutishness of learning
-Samuel Beckett, 1934

Damn this planet résumé...